- General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter: [catching Schultz asleep] On your feet Schultz!
- Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: General Burkhalter, what are you doing here?
- General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter: First suppose you tell me what you were doing there.
- Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Well...
- General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter: Your lying!
- Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: You see...
- General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter: Enough! I don't want to hear any more of your lies.
- Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: That's the only one I had.
- Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: [after being told he does not have to transfer] You mean I do not have to go?
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: You heard the commandant, now back to your post.
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: Schultz, so you made a few stupid mistakes. You're lazy, you're fat, you sleep on duty. Still, you're a likable clod.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Where's Schultz?
- Kinchloe: Sacking out in my bunk.
- LeBeau: Sleeping off his lunch.
- Carter: I wonder what he's dreaming about?
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: His dinner.
- Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: I'm in very bad health. My head, my back, my heart, a bullet in any one of those places could be fatal.