- Sgt. Schultz: Why don't they invite ME to a party?
- LeBeau: Schultz, if you were giving a party, would you invite you?
- Col. Hogan: [about the blackmailer] Have her arrested, she sends the pictures to your wife, your wife has YOU arrested.
- General Burkhalter: My wife?
- Col. Hogan: Yeah, you remember her, the little woman with the big temper.
- General Burkhalter: This was an innocent party!
- Col. Klink: It was an innocent party!
- General Burkhalter: Keep out of this.
- Col. Klink: Yes, sir. It wasn't innocent at all.
- General Burkhalter: SHUT UP!
- Carter: We gonna blow it up?
- Col. Hogan: It's nice to know what something is before you destroy it, Carter.
- Carter: Why?
- Col. Hogan: Well, I mean, after the war you can tell your children we blew up a this or a that.
- Carter: Children? I'm not even married.
- Col. Hogan: Don't worry, Carter. Somewhere there's a wife - even for you.