- Col. Wilhelm Klink: [hanging up the phone] General Burkhalter, I'm sorry to say your sister has been kidnapped.
- General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter: What do they want, Klink?
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: They say we are holding a girl. I'm not holding a girl.
- General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter: Neither am I.
- Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: I wish I were.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: [telling Klink what a good catch Burkhalter's sister is to marry] Gertrude is just the kind of woman you need. She's clever, forceful, efficient, thrifty.
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: What about her looks?
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: What's there to behold? She looks like her brother.
- General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter: There are worse things than being married to the sister of General Burkhalter.
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: [after Burkhalter leaves] Name one.
- General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter: I have only one sister.
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: Thank heaven for that.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: We're going to try and spring her.
- Carter: But, Colonel, that's Gestapo that's got her.
- Newkirk: Right, they shoot people for double parking.