Home Improvement (TV Series)

Taps (1997)

Tim Allen: Tim Taylor

Quotes 

• [Wilson offers Tim an ancient wooden African throne] 

  Tim : It's nice, but if I'm gonna be sitting on a throne, it's gonna be porcelain, my friend.

• Brad : Dad, grandma's on the phone. She wants to talk to you.

  [Hands Tim the phone] 

  Tim : Thanks. Hi, Lillian. No Jill's not here she's uh, out, you know, buying stuff to nurse her cold. What? Oh, my God that's, that's horrible, Lillian. How did it happen? Oh, how are you doing? Oh boy, this is horrible news. What can I do? Wh-ju-ju. Oh yeah, go ahead and call all them, and Jill will call you as soon as she gets back. O.K. Bye.

  [Wilson, Heidi and Al come to the fence] 

  Wilson : Tim, what happened?

  Tim : Jill's dad died.

• [as Jill enters the room, talking about her day] 

  Tim : Your mom called a little while ago.

  Jill : Oh no, let me guess. She's mad cuz I wouldn't let her come this weekend.

  Tim : Honey...

  Jill : What? Is something wrong?

  Tim : It's about your dad.

  Jill : My dad what?

  Tim : He had a heart attack this morning.

  [Jill inhales] 

  Tim : He... he... he didn't make it.

• Tim : Some people think that viewing the body gives them a chance to say goodbye to the deceased one last time.

  Brad : What if I don't wanna look?

  Tim : Nobody is gonna make you look. They're gonna make ME look.

• Tim : Randy?

  Randy : Dad, I don't know why I'm making all these stupid jokes.

  Tim : It's okay, it's okay. Sometimes making jokes is a way to deal with the loss of somebody, that's how you grieve. I did the same thing at my dad's funeral.

  Randy : Oh yeah, now that you talk about it, I remember Aunt Rita's funeral, you had some jokes then. You killed.

  Tim : But the truth is, in situations like these, you gotta be careful who you make the jokes around.

  Randy : Dad, I know. I would never say these kinds of things around Grandma.

  Tim : And make no jokes around your mom or Mark or anybody sensitive. Just do them around me.