Home Improvement (TV Series)

The Vasectomy One (1996)

Caroline McWilliams: Dr. Kaplan

Quotes 

• Jill Taylor : Why don't you tell us what's involved in the procedure.

  Tim Taylor : Yeah, I'm dying to hear this.

  Dr. Kaplan : Well, the morning of your appointment you'd have to shave in the area where I'll be making the incisions.

  Tim Taylor : [pointing at his crotch]  Shave? Here?

  Dr. Kaplan : It's just a routine procedure.

  Tim Taylor : Not in my house it's not! What do you think, I wake up in the morning, brush my teeth, comb my hair, and shave Ping and Pong?

  Jill Taylor : Well, you could go to a barber but it might be a little awkward.

  Dr. Kaplan : The first thing I do is give you a shot that's a local.

  Tim Taylor : Local like here in Detroit?

  Dr. Kaplan : No local like here in your scrotum.

  Tim Taylor : Oh boy.

  Dr. Kaplan : That does sting for a few seconds.

  Tim Taylor : You think?

  Dr. Kaplan : Then I make two small cuts and simply divide and tie up the tubes. The discomfort is really very minimal.

  Tim Taylor : Yeah, why don't you tell that to the boys in the basement!

  Dr. Kaplan : You'll be back to normal in a few days. The only restriction at all is that you won't be able to drive home that day.

  Tim Taylor : What? I can't drive? Forget about it.

  [gets up] 

  Jill Taylor : [gets up]  Now, what do you mean "forget about it?"

  Tim Taylor : [gets his jacket]  Honey, honestly I was really into it up till that point. The driving thing, that iced it.

  [opens the door] 

  Jill Taylor : It's just one day!

  Tim Taylor : Look, it's bad enough to separate a man from his sperm, but to separate a man from his car - that's inhuman!

  [leaves]