- Jill Taylor: Honey, it is much safer for a man to get a vasectomy than it is for a woman to have a tubal ligation.
- Tim Taylor: Says who? The "Wives With Knives" club?
- Tim Taylor: A woman? You brought me here to see a woman?
- Jill Taylor: I didn't know she was a woman. My gynecologist just said Dr. Kaplan was the best urologist in town.
- Tim Taylor: How am I supposed to talk to a woman about what's going on in man land?
- Jill Taylor: "Man Land?" Now you've got a theme park between your legs?
- Jill Taylor: Tim, didn't you hear one word that doctor said?
- Tim Taylor: Yeah, yeah. She wants to take the Zippidy out of my Doo-Dah!
- Jill Taylor: Look, I know how hard it was for you to even talk to that doctor, but I'd hoped that once we got out of there we could have a rational, reasonable discussion about it.
- Tim Taylor: We did - in the car on the way home.
- Jill Taylor: All you did all the way home was come up with one ridiculous excuse after another.
- Tim Taylor: That's not true. I merely said that for this sort of thing, it might be better to wait for warmer weather.
- Jill Taylor: [sarcastic] I'll knit you a little sweater!
- Tim Taylor: You heard what she said: shots, shaving. You don't understand about the pain down there.
- [turns on the TV]
- Jill Taylor: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute!
- [turns off the TV]
- Jill Taylor: I don't understand about the pain down there? I, who had three children *ripped* from my loins? In what is laughingly described as "natural" childbirth?
- Tim Taylor: Oh boy, here we go. The pain of childbirth. Isn't there a statute of limitations on this?
- Jill Taylor: Isn't there a statute of limitations on you being a complete bonehead?
- Tim Taylor: No.
- [gets up and walks around the room. Jill follows him]
- Jill Taylor: You are totally unwilling to accept responsibility for what I have accepted total responsibility for since we met!
- Tim Taylor: This is not about accepting responsibility. This is about me being neutered and chewing on my slippers!
- [gets his jacket]
- Jill Taylor: Who said anything about you being neutered?
- Tim Taylor: Certain experts I talked to.
- Jill Taylor: Oh, what experts? Harry and Benny? Where'd they get their degrees? University of I'm An Idiot?
- Tim Taylor: Well, they may be idiots but they think exactly like I do!
- [walks out]
- Jill Taylor: Why don't you tell us what's involved in the procedure.
- Tim Taylor: Yeah, I'm dying to hear this.
- Dr. Kaplan: Well, the morning of your appointment you'd have to shave in the area where I'll be making the incisions.
- Tim Taylor: [pointing at his crotch] Shave? Here?
- Dr. Kaplan: It's just a routine procedure.
- Tim Taylor: Not in my house it's not! What do you think, I wake up in the morning, brush my teeth, comb my hair, and shave Ping and Pong?
- Jill Taylor: Well, you could go to a barber but it might be a little awkward.
- Dr. Kaplan: The first thing I do is give you a shot that's a local.
- Tim Taylor: Local like here in Detroit?
- Dr. Kaplan: No local like here in your scrotum.
- Tim Taylor: Oh boy.
- Dr. Kaplan: That does sting for a few seconds.
- Tim Taylor: You think?
- Dr. Kaplan: Then I make two small cuts and simply divide and tie up the tubes. The discomfort is really very minimal.
- Tim Taylor: Yeah, why don't you tell that to the boys in the basement!
- Dr. Kaplan: You'll be back to normal in a few days. The only restriction at all is that you won't be able to drive home that day.
- Tim Taylor: What? I can't drive? Forget about it.
- [gets up]
- Jill Taylor: [gets up] Now, what do you mean "forget about it?"
- Tim Taylor: [gets his jacket] Honey, honestly I was really into it up till that point. The driving thing, that iced it.
- [opens the door]
- Jill Taylor: It's just one day!
- Tim Taylor: Look, it's bad enough to separate a man from his sperm, but to separate a man from his car - that's inhuman!
- [leaves]
- Jill Taylor: So what d'you think?
- Tim Taylor: I think I have more questions.
- Jill Taylor: Okay, such as what?
- Tim Taylor: Do they make a home kit so I can do it right here in the garage?
- Jill Taylor: I don't think so.
- Tim Taylor: Could this count as your birthday present?
- Jill Taylor: Absolutely, yeah. For once, I wouldn't have to stand in line and return it.
- Tim Taylor: And, um, while I'm preparing for this, will you go out a find me very, very mild aftershave?
- Jill Taylor: [laughs] Yeah, I'll work on that, yeah.
- Tim Taylor: Gotta be careful about slapping it on, too.
- Al Borland: You know, I think you're all being very insensitive. A vasectomy is a noble way for a man to take responsibility. Tim is making a very loving choice.
- Tim Taylor: Shut up, Al.
- Harry: What do you do, Al? Sit on the can all day reading Ladies Home Journal?