- Gov. Croque: To some, marriage is like a morning sunrise which reflects the dawning of a brand-new day. To others, it is like a red-hot poker shoved, without remorse, up the wazoo.
- Jack Stiles: [after saving James Madison from the guillotine] Sorry, Emperor, you won't be getting any head today!
- Captain Brogard: You do not know how I have fantasized about this moment!
- Jack Stiles: Oh yeah? Which one of us was Little Miss Bo Peep? On second thought, don't answer that.
- Jack Stiles: Oh, uh, Croque!
- [Flips a gold coin to Croque]
- Jack Stiles: This is for the broken window.
- Gov. Croque: What broken window?
- Jack Stiles: Muhahaha!
- [Crashes through a window]
- Jack Stiles: Oh, cut me a little slack, Padre! I had soap in my eyes. I can't be blamed for stumbling into the woman's locker room.
- Priest: Well, I suppose if you didn't actually see anything... No harm done, eh?
- Jack Stiles: Not a thing. I felt my way out of there like a blind sherpa in the Himalayas.