- Locksmith God: Oh, sorry I'm late. File cabinet crisis in the Biology lab.
- Joan Girardi: So?
- Locksmith God: Oh, relax. These lockers are surprisingly well-ventilated.
- [handing her a stack of fliers]
- Locksmith God: I think you dropped these.
- Joan Girardi: Oh, so the supreme being cares about student council elections? It's not like some kid is gonna invade a country.
- Locksmith God: I care about anything that involves free will.
- Joan Girardi: Well, most people exercise their free will by not voting.
- Locksmith God: You have a chance to make a difference here.
- Kevin Girardi: There he is, Arcadia's finest.
- Will Girardi: Hey, what's the good word?
- Kevin Girardi: Oh, uh, Jenny Leder is angry that her neighbor's dog Clyde poops on her lawn every day, and I am here to make sure that the good people of Arcadia read about it in detail. What brings you down here?
- Will Girardi: Testifying, which pretty much means hanging around waiting.
- Kevin Girardi: Oh, good. Then, uh, you can help me. Paper's doing a profile on your new boss. You care to toss me a few tidbits?
- Will Girardi: All I know is she got rid of Roebuck.
- Kevin Girardi: Whoa. Your voice just totally changed.
- Will Girardi: What?
- Kevin Girardi: Well, it went from "son" to "evil press guy" in, like, a second.
- Will Girardi: I'm sorry. Roebuck leaving is still a little fresh.
- Joan Girardi: Brian Beaumont.
- Grace Polk: Isn't he the scuzz-crack who fired you from Yearbook?
- Joan Girardi: Oh, yeah.
- Judith Montgomery: Ugh, is he kidding with the argyle sweater? Oh, god. Pants riding up. Argyle socks, too? Oh, my eyes! My eyes!
- Grace Polk: Dude, your sister is looking to support the corrupt political system at Arcadia High, which is totally symptomatic of the larger...
- Luke Girardi: Are we ever gonna talk about your mom?
- Grace Polk: No.
- Luke Girardi: Grace, you IMed me that your mom's an alcoholic. I know you want to talk about it.
- Brian Beaumont: I have got a six-point plan with key features like student tutoring, peer counseling, and a radical re-examination of standardized testing.
- Joan Girardi: Are there CliffNotes for this?
- Joan Girardi: Oh, I can't watch. It's too horrible.
- Rocker Dude God: Multiply that by six billion and you'll know what I go through every day.
- Joan Girardi: Can't you, like, smite them or something?
- Principal Stephen Chadwick: You're actually displaying a dead animal in your classroom?
- Helen Girardi: It's a conceptual art piece.
- Principal Stephen Chadwick: Darlene Fitch's parents called the school. It's an affront to their religious beliefs.
- Helen Girardi: What religious beliefs?
- Principal Stephen Chadwick: Who knows? Just put the thing away.
- Helen Girardi: You're ordering me to put away a student's artwork?
- Principal Stephen Chadwick: A dead gerbil is art?
- Helen Girardi: Why not? Damien Hirst hung a dead cow in the Tate Modern.
- Principal Stephen Chadwick: Oh, so the next time I run over a dog on my way to school, I'm van Gogh?
- Helen Girardi: Do you often run over dogs on your way to school?
- Principal Stephen Chadwick: Helen, just get rid of the thing before we get sued.
- Will Girardi: You know that story the paper's doing on Lucy Preston?
- Kevin Girardi: Yeah.
- Will Girardi: Well, I know she's pretty popular and friends with the publisher and stuff, but if you hear anything, if questions come up...
- Kevin Girardi: What have you heard?
- Will Girardi: Nothing. It's just that she plays it so close to the vest, I just want to know who I'm dealing with.
- [Kevin smirks]
- Will Girardi: What?
- Kevin Girardi: You've never asked me to help you with anything before.
- Will Girardi: Well, get used to it, 'cause one day you'll be feeding me applesauce in a nursing home.
- Joan Girardi: Are you eating a Lars bar?
- Judith Montgomery: Keep your hair on. I'm only in it for the chocolate. And the possibility of meaningless groping with the candidate.
- Locksmith God: Mankind lives in a prison of its own making. But you always call on me for the keys.
- Joan Girardi: I couldn't do it. I... I couldn't win that way.
- Locksmith God: Yeah. It's amazing how many people could have.
- Joan Girardi: So Lars is gonna win?
- Locksmith God: Landslide.
- Joan Girardi: I drove myself crazy for nothing.
- Locksmith God: You were involved, Joan. That always makes a difference.
- Adam Rove: Your mom finally got my work to the dean of the Graphics Art department at state college, and he said I'm good enough for the professional program, but...
- Joan Girardi: At least one of us has a future.
- Luke Girardi: [banging from a nearby locker] Locksmith's on his way, Friedman. Just hang in there.
- Friedman: Dude, you said that five minutes ago, when there was oxygen in here.
- Adam Rove: No, it's not gonna happen. I mean, the night classes are, like, five hundred bucks a credit.
- Joan Girardi: They must have scholarships. You're brilliant. The dean guy even said so.
- Adam Rove: No, no scholarships for the arts. Budget cuts. I mean, it's so lame.
- Friedman: Hello? I'm starting to cramp in here.
- Joan Girardi: Friedman, stop complaining!