Joan of Arcadia (TV Series)

The Rise & Fall of Joan Girardi (2005)

Amber Tamblyn: Joan Girardi

Photos 

Quotes 

• Luke Girardi : I'm sixteen, Grace. I've been waiting to drive my whole life.

  Grace Polk : Dude, you're contributing to global warming, and you're handing over vital personal information to the CIA. And when they take that picture, that's really a retinal scan.

  Luke Girardi : Yeah, I'm... I'm getting my license, Grace. I'm not starting a covert war.

  Joan Girardi : Is this like pillow talk for you two?

  Grace Polk : Fighting for the environment is not a war.

  Luke Girardi : I just wanna drive a big machine.

  Grace Polk : Is that really all that men are about?

  Joan Girardi : Apparently.

• Dylan Samuels : There's a one-day sale at the mall on Ugg boots. We should clear them out.

  Gabby : Uggs are so five minutes ago.

  Elle : I'd rather wear Nine West or die.

  Dylan Samuels : Like I was serious!

  Joan Girardi : Uh, beep-beep. Can we get through?

  Dylan Samuels : Look, it's a pack of angry weirdoes.

  Grace Polk : Maybe ending the assault weapon ban wasn't such a bad thing.

• Personable Woman God : They should really put benches at all the bus stops. Make the world a better place one tush at a time. What do you think, Joan?

  Joan Girardi : God says "tush"?

• Personable Woman God : It's a beautiful day, isn't it? Sunny, crisp, clear. Did you have a nice day at school?

  Joan Girardi : Okay, homework overdose here.

  Personable Woman God : Just thought I'd ask. Show I care, 'cause I do.

  Joan Girardi : And you always want something. What is it this time?

  Personable Woman God : Since you're offering, would you be a doll and get me a latte?

  Joan Girardi : [seeing Dylan and her friends by the coffee cart]  Oh, no. Not them. And the Lord sayeth "Geteth me a latte."

  Personable Woman God : Little acts can mean a lot.

  Joan Girardi : Wouldn't the three dollars be better spent helping the poor?

  Personable Woman God : Yes, but you were going to spend it on Slim Jims.

  Joan Girardi : [scoffing, she gives up trying to fight]  Forget it. Forget it.

  Personable Woman God : Two sugars, please.

• Will Girardi : [reading Kevin's article]  "And in a heroic moment, Ms. Girardi tackled her friend, knocking her from the path of an oncoming truck."

  Kevin Girardi : Nice, huh?

  Joan Girardi : You made me sound like Catwoman.

  Helen Girardi : I thought it was an SUV.

  Luke Girardi : Actually, the Transportation Safety Administration classifies all SUVs as light trucks. Taking my driver's test Thursday.

• Will Girardi : You used the word "hero" seven times.

  Helen Girardi : In the Metro section? Thought you said last night they'd bury it on the comics page.

  Kevin Girardi : Well, my editor thought Joan the Hero was too good for "Hagar the Horrible".

  Joan Girardi : It was more like a momentary loss of brain function.

  Luke Girardi : Well, bravery can be seen as having a correlation of impaired judgment. Napoleon marching on Moscow...

  Joan Girardi : Grace going out with you.

• Joan Girardi : You forgot to mention my face-full of latte, and Dylan Samuels is not my friend. She's a total skank.

  Kevin Girardi : I highlighted the parts of the story that the readers want to see. That's how journalism works. The public wants heroes.

  Joan Girardi : Couldn't they find someone better than me?

  Helen Girardi : Honey, what you did was incredible. I'm so proud of you. If you ever do it again, I will kill you.

• Adam Rove : You know, if we were married, I would be Mr. Joan Girardi.

  Joan Girardi : Hey. This is about as much fun as me walking around here naked.

  Adam Rove : You know, you did look good on TV.

  Joan Girardi : I forgot my brother's name!

• Joan Girardi : So, no cappuccinos today?

  Dylan Samuels : With Elle and Gabby? I don't think so. I... I can't be with them anymore. I mean, they're so jealous of you. And w-what do they expect? Of course everyone's gonna be talking about you.

  Joan Girardi : They're your friends. You were like conjoined blondes.

• Dylan Samuels : So, you excited about the award ceremony?

  Joan Girardi : Making Price kiss my butt in public? I couldn't make that one up in my dreams.

• Joan Girardi : God isn't familiar with my right to privacy?

  Little Girl God : Things must be pretty bad for you to seek solace in a bathroom stall.

  Joan Girardi : You wanted me to get to know the life I saved. I have. It's a little creepy. She won't leave me alone.

• Little Girl God : Some people can't see their own lives. They live in a kind of darkness. They think that the only way that they can see is by using someone else's light. That's what she's looking to you for.

  Joan Girardi : But I can barely see myself.

  Little Girl God : I know.

  Joan Girardi : Nice. You know, a little pep talk every now and then wouldn't kill you.

  Little Girl God : You're doing just fine, Joan.

  Joan Girardi : So how do I make her see? What do I make her see?

  [God leaves without answering] 

  Joan Girardi : What... hey!

• Gavin Price : Very uplifting, Ms. Girardi. An oasis in the desert of your permanent record. Well done.

  Joan Girardi : Excuse me?

  Gavin Price : Well done.

  Joan Girardi : Once more?

• Joan Girardi : Okay, so I was horrible to Dylan.

  Personable Woman God : She lost her hero. She didn't know where to turn.

  Joan Girardi : You know, this whole business about heroes, it's totally fake. I was never any different. She made me into something I'm not.

  Personable Woman God : You're right. If you're trying to get your worth from someone else, you can't fulfill your own true nature, which is what I'm all about.

  Joan Girardi : Why does everyone have to hate me now? I mean, they were all over me before.

  Personable Woman God : Well, they like you. And they hate you.

  Joan Girardi : That doesn't make any sense.

  Personable Woman God : It's a paradox. You're a hero and you're not perfect. You were horrible to Dylan because you cared. Another paradox. If you accept that they both can exist simultaneously, then you can find peace in the contradictions, which is where you'll find me.

• Joan Girardi : You asked me to get to know the life I saved, and I did. It's messed up. I... I can't change her. I'm no hero, I'm... I'm just me.

  Personable Woman God : Maybe that's enough.

• Joan Girardi : Gabby and Elle?

  Dylan Samuels : Ditched me.

  Joan Girardi : I'm really sorry.

  Dylan Samuels : I know.

  Joan Girardi : I just didn't understand, you know? Like, how you could just turn on me like that.

  Dylan Samuels : Because they did. Because I'm always scared I'm gonna be on the wrong side. I'm not like you. I-I mean, throughout this whole entire thing, when everybody was all into you and then they were against you, you never changed into somebody else. You were always just Joan.

  Joan Girardi : And you're just Dylan.

  Dylan Samuels : And who is that? I... I've been standing here staring at the desserts for probably five minutes. You know why? 'Cause I don't know what I like. I mean, how pathetic is that? I have no idea who I am.

  Joan Girardi : Maybe it's time to find out.