- Maya Gallo: It just hit me, you are your magazine. You're glossy, you're slick, the cover looks great, you open it up, there's nothing inside.
- Jack Gallo: I got another one for you. I get fat in December.
- Anchorwoman: Police officials tell me gang violence is down from last year. Police tell me they credit the decrease to the removal of the frontal lobe of my brain. And in a related story, I wet myself.
- Nina Van Horn: So, you want to grace the pages of Blush? Well, I want my old ass back, but chances are that's not gonna happen. Still, the fact that you even made it this far is an accomplishment. You'd be amazed how many girls can't even find the building.
- Nina Van Horn: [to Maya] Honey, I don't know who your agent is, but you need to grow six inches, lose twenty pounds, and find a hair dresser who gave up cocaine with everyone else.
- Maya Gallo: [as Nina is walking away] Excuse me! Do you own this magazine?
- Nina Van Horn: No, that would be Mr. Gallo.
- Maya Gallo: And *I* would be Mr. Gallo's *daughter*!
- Maya Gallo: [points a finger gun at Nina] GOTCHA!
- Elliot DiMauro: Nina, you've got to stop hiring these waify models.
- Nina Van Horn: Why?
- Elliot DiMauro: Because I turned on the fan and she blew into the wall.
- Dennis Finch: Did a Cindy Crawford call? Tell Crawdaddy that I'm swamped today, and dinner is looking iffy.
- Receptionist: What if the governor calls?
- Dennis Finch: Tell him I'm busy.
- Receptionist: How about Spider-Man?
- Nina Van Horn: [learning that Maya is Jack's daughter] I'm sorry about earlier, but it's just that there is virtually no resemblance.
- Maya Gallo: Go away!
- Nina Van Horn: Oh, there it is.
- Maya Gallo: Surely you realize that idolizing physical beauty is wrong.
- Elliot DiMauro: Oh, really? Tell me what you thought, honestly, when you first saw Michaelangelo's David?
- Maya Gallo: I thought it was an incredible sculputure.
- Elliot DiMauro: That's right, because David is the perfect male form.
- Maya Gallo: No, because Michaelangelo was a genius.
- Elliot DiMauro: Imagine if Michaelangelo had sculpted it with the same artistry but made it to look like, say, me?
- [poses like David]
- Maya Gallo: It would still be a work of art.
- Elliot DiMauro: How about now?
- [pulls up his shirt to expose his flabby torso]
- Maya Gallo: Fine, fine, you win.
- [first lines]
- Maya Gallo: Bill? It's me, Maya Gallo. Are you sure you want to lead with a story on strippers? What would I lead with? Well, call me crazy, but it is election night.
- Anchorwoman: Who wrote this garbage? "Police report that gang violence is down this year"?
- Maya Gallo: That would be my garbage.
- Anchorwoman: How many times have I told you? It's "police tell *me* that gang violence is down." That way, it appears that I'm involved in the story.
- Maya Gallo: You're right. People would like to see you involved in gang violence.
- Maya Gallo: Hi, I'm Maya.
- Dennis Finch: Well, bye-ya.
- Maya Gallo: I'm here to see Jack Gallo.
- Dennis Finch: And I'm here to make sure you don't. You should have called for an appointment so I could reject you over the phone. That way you wouldn't have to get all gussied up.
- Nina Van Horn: So you're writing this month's advice column? Mind if I have a peek?
- Elliot DiMauro: Honey, you peaked years ago.
- Elliot DiMauro: We're not the enemy here. We just like to look at beautiful things.
- Maya Gallo: And who decides what's beautiful.
- Elliot DiMauro: Oh, I do. That's the best part.