- Hyacinth: Ah, yes! I thought I heard the milkman.
- The Milkman: How? I'd like to know how you heard the milkman. You must have radar.
- Hyacinth: No thank you, my usual two pints and the occasional yoghurt will be fine.
- Rose: [Daisy is awake in bed reading but Onslow is still asleep, with the covers pulled over his head] How does Onslow breathe under there?
- Daisy: [Not too worried about it] Beats me.
- Rose: Do you sometimes find him turning blue?
- Daisy: Only his language, occasionally.
- Rose: Are you sure it IS Onslow? It could be a total stranger.
- Daisy: Never has been yet.
- Rose: [Onslow wakes up and sits up] Oh no. It is Onslow. You've lost again!
- Onslow: Listen, Rose, if you're gonna start coming in at the crack of dawn, the least you could do is bring breakfast!
- Rose: But you never eat breakfast!
- Daisy: That's only because he tends to stay in bed until dinnertime.
- Onslow: On principle, I've got nothing against breakfast. I'd eat breakfast if somebody brought it, wouldn't I? It's not against my religion or anything.
- Rose: What IS against your religion?
- Daisy: Getting up before dinnertime!
- [She and Rose both laugh]
- Onslow: I notice YOU'RE still in bed.
- Daisy: A wife's place is beside her husband!
- Rose: [on the telephone]
- [giggles]
- Rose: Oh, Roger! I'm not that kind of girl.
- Onslow: How long is your Rose going to be lying on that telephone?
- Daisy: How should I know?
- Rose: Oh, that's a wicked thing to say, Roger, to a woman of my inexperience.
- Onslow: I hope he knows what he's letting himself in for, this poor prat.
- Daisy: You shouldn't listen in to other people's conversations.
- Onslow: She'll Rose him to death. It's inhuman.
- Daisy: [Answers the phone] Hello? Who? I'm sorry, I can't hear the phone for the television.
- [shouts so she can be heard over the TV]
- Daisy: Onslow, I can't hear the phone call for the television!
- Onslow: Well, turn it down! That's the practical solution. Why is it women never think practically?
- Daisy: [to the phone, seething] Excuse me a moment, but there's a fault at this end and it won't get out of it's chair!
- Hyacinth: [When Roger and his dog show up in her driveway] What are you doing?
- Roger: It's all right, I've called for Rose.
- Hyacinth: Rose?
- Roger: Tell her it's Roger.
- Hyacinth: Rose isn't here. Please take that thing out of my driveway.
- Roger: "Thing"? I'll have you know this is a pedigree thing!
- Hyacinth: Will you kindly remove it? This is a private driveway, and I'm expecting company at any minute!
- Roger: [to the dog] Oh, come on, Olive. We'll come back when Rose's mother's gone away!
- Hyacinth: And you are?... Third private secretary? Who does one have to be to get through to two and one?
- [first lines]
- [Richard is shaving]
- Hyacinth: Breakfast's on the table, Richard!
- Richard: Early retirement.
- Hyacinth: [singing] Dee la dah la dee. Wear your best suit, dear. It is your last day. I want you to look particularly smart. After all, it's not everyone who gets offered early retirement. La dee, la dee. Swagger a bit. Put a bit of swank on. I'm the last person to put myself forward, as you know, but I do think it won't hurt the neighbours to see who's lucky enough to get early retirement round here. La dee.
- Hyacinth: [about Mr. Henderson, the frozen food magnate] They say he's a millionaire, and all from dead chickens. Of course, I'm not one to be impressed merely by money, but I just happen to know that he's looking for someone to work with him in a senior capacity, and of course my Richard would be ideally qualified.
- Elizabeth: For dead chickens? I can't see Richard being very happy with dead chickens.
- Hyacinth: Oh no, dear, I don't think he'd actually be handling them. No, Richard would wear a suit and do something executive.
- Elizabeth: *Can* one do anything executive with dead chickens?
- Hyacinth: Well, he's done it with the Council all these years.
- Rose: I sometimes wonder if I ought to get married again. But it puts such a dampener on your love life.
- Elizabeth: I'm surprised you want my opinion, Hyacinth, about anything. I seem to go to pieces on these premises.
- Hyacinth: Do you, dear? That's nice.
- Elizabeth: You never listen anyway.
- Hyacinth: Have you? How interesting. Now look, I was wondering if I should press Mrs Henderson to take a little sherry with her light refreshments, or shall I stick to tea?
- Elizabeth: And you really value my opinion?
- Hyacinth: Certainly I do.
- Elizabeth: Well...
- [makes several false starts, then decides]
- Elizabeth: I think tea.
- Hyacinth: No, you're wrong there, dear. I think sherry.
- [last lines]
- Elizabeth: Oh, Mrs Hen- Don't worry, Mrs Henderson. I'm sure she'll be back quite... soon.
- Elizabeth: What are you doing?
- Emmet: I'm waiting for Hyacinth to go inside. Then I can safely go to work.
- Elizabeth: Oh, Emmet! All you have to do is say hello and don't stop.
- Emmet: Ha, you think so? She'll sing at me. She'll give me broad hints that I ought to use her in the Amateur Operatic Society. And my worst nightmare of all - she'll invite me to a candlelight supper!
- Elizabeth: Oh, Emmet, just pull yourself together.
- Emmet: [Peeks out the window] She's gone! I'm off!
- Hyacinth: Of course, I shan't let you have a beaker when you come back later for our more formal afternoon tea.
- Elizabeth: Later?
- Hyacinth: When you've tidied up, Dear.
- Elizabeth: Tidied up? I've almost finished my housework!
- Hyacinth: No, no, no. I don't mean the housework. I mean your hair.
- Elizabeth: [Checks her hair to see if it's messed up] It's same as always!
- Hyacinth: I thought you'd agree, Dear.
- Elizabeth: [Looking out the window. Shouts, surprised] Richard's just walked back into the house!
- Emmet: It IS his house, Liz.
- Elizabeth: No, no, no, he was supposed to be leaving for work! I don't think he knows which way he's going. He's been acting strangely ever since they gave him early retirement.
- Emmet: I should think he has, poor devil. Imagine, all day at home with Hyacinth, every day! I'd call Amnesty International.
- Elizabeth: He just kissed Hyacinth twice, and walked back into the house.
- Emmet: ANYONE who kisses Hyacinth twice is entitled to walk back into the house!
- Hyacinth: Well, be more careful in future, Richard. Locking me out like that...
- Richard: I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking.
- Hyacinth: I will not have you "not thinking" in front of the neighbors, Richard!
- Richard: I'm just a little confused, this morning.
- Hyacinth: Well, it seems so, Dear!
- Richard: But I'm all right, now.
- Hyacinth: Are you sure?
- Richard: Absolutely fine.
- [Gets in the car and starts it, then just sits there, staring blankly off into space]
- Hyacinth: [Waits, then when it's clear he's not going to move, goes and taps on the glass] Richard?
- Richard: [opens the door] Hello, Dear! What kind of day did you have?
- Hyacinth: [Pulls him out of the car] Richard, I think you ought to walk to work today.
- Richard: Oh, yes. I will. I'll walk this morning.
- [starts walking down the road in the wrong direction]
- Hyacinth: Richard!
- [Richard turns and walks the other way]
- The Milkman: [after Hyacinth complains about not knowing which cows her milk comes from] All the milk's been thoroughly tested, Mrs. Bouquet.
- Hyacinth: I should hope so! Just remember that at least two pints of it are destined for some very high-quality china!
- Richard's Boss: Well, there's no point dragging out these farewell scenes. Always best to get them over as quickly as possible, I always say.
- [Gets up and shakes Richard's hand, leading him to the door at the same time]
- Richard's Boss: Well, goodbye, Richard, old boy. Think of us, when you're out there enjoying your freedom. Goodbye!
- [Goes back to his desk]
- Richard's Boss: Now, where was I?
- Richard: [comes back in] I could come in the odd afternoon.
- Richard's Boss: No, no. No, no, no. Make a clean break. Best way, I always think.
- Richard: Unless, of course, mornings would be better.
- Richard's Boss: Inside a week, you'll have forgotten all about us. Cheerio!
- Richard: I'll do anything. You won't have to keep me at my old grade!
- Richard's Boss: No. Look, I'm sorry, Richard.
- Richard: I mean, I don't think I'd be too proud to pop in for a potter, if you ever need a good potter...
- Richard's Boss: Yes, thank you, Richard!
- Richard: Mornings or afternoons. Mornings AND afternoons!
- Richard's Boss: Good-BYE, Richard!
- Hyacinth: I'm still waiting on an answer to my query.
- The Milkman: What query is that, Mrs. Bucket...
- [Hyacinth glowers at him]
- The Milkman: Bouquet?
- Hyacinth: [On the phone] Ah, finally! It's worse than trying to get through to British Rail Inquiries! Well, my business is confidential, so I wish to be put through to someone important. That is to say, not a minor functionary. I will NOT be fobbed off with a minor functionary!
- Elizabeth: [When Hyacinth comes to the door she is wearing a nice dress] Hyacinth, I'm glad you've called. Now, you wanted me to be smart. Well, does this meet with your approval?
- Hyacinth: Yes, it looks fine, Dear. Will you give me a hand? Some fool's left half a camel or something on my driveway. I will not have it on my driveway when Mrs. Henderson arrives!
- Elizabeth: You want me to help move it dressed like this?
- Hyacinth: I don't think it'll care how you're dressed, dear.
- [They walk out to the Driveway and she gestures to the Newfoundland placidly sitting there]
- Hyacinth: You see? Half a camel!
- Elizabeth: And a major half!
- Hyacinth: If we could just get it into the street...
- Elizabeth: CAN we just park it in the street?
- Hyacinth: Well, I've no money for a meter.
- Elizabeth: How are we going to manage this?
- Hyacinth: Well, I think the best thing is if you push, and I'll steer. Now just let me get a good grip.
- [She grabs the leash and Elizabeth goes around to push from behind]
- Hyacinth: Now pay attention, dog! Off we go, then!
- [She tugs and Elizabeth pushes, with no success]
- Hyacinth: Try pushing, dear!
- Elizabeth: I'm trying, Hyacinth! It seems to be an awful lot of dog!