- Holly Shumpert: I spent all day making Doug's favorite dishes but now they're getting cold, does he care? No because he's with some girl at his precious hockey game.
- Carrie Heffernan: Shouldn't I be the one who's upset about this?
- Holly Shumpert: Actually yeah.
- Carrie Heffernan: What's going on here?
- Arthur Spooner: Open your eyes you fools, the man has three wives!
- Doug Heffernan: Hey Arthur, come on up for breakfast. You know I can't start my day without my two scoops of Artie.
- [from the basement]
- Arthur Spooner: I don't know what that means, but it sounds terrifying.
- Doug Heffernan: [after telling the guys he has a downstairs and upstairs wife] Hol, the paper came today, it's a little wet and I wanted to read the sports section.
- Holly Shumpert: I'll just blow-dry it.
- [She leaves]
- Danny Heffernan: My nipples are hard.
- Doug Heffernan: You're trying to take my downstairs wife; you don't even have a downstairs.
- Deacon Palmer: She'd be futon wife.
- Doug Heffernan: Why don't you tell the man that your last year's salary was $12.
- Arthur Spooner: That was after taxes!