- Luanne Platter: [trying to figure out an ending for her puppet show] Oh...! No, that won't work.
- Hank: [whispering] They jimmy the lock with a coat hanger.
- Luanne Platter: What?
- Hank: They jimmy the lock with...
- [loudly]
- Hank: Uh, I'll save you, Manger Babies.
- Luanne Platter: You will?
- Hank: Yes. 'Cause I'm the assistant manager of this movie theater. I sell popcorn and popcorn accessories, and you
- [the usher]
- Hank: are fired!
- Luanne Platter: [as puppet] Oh thank you, assistant manager. How can we ever repay you?
- Hank: By never forgetting this lesson: sneaking into the movies is wrong. As wrong as spilling juice on a new carpet.
- Dale Gribble: Hank if I wanted to spend Super Bowl Sunday watching my wife, I would have married Fran Tarkenton.
- [the TV channel keeps changing for no reason]
- Hank: What's going on?
- Bill Dauterive: I don't know, but I think this is the part of the movie where we should just get out of the house.
- Hank: The terrible truth is that America, the best country in the history of the world, no longer makes television sets.
- Bobby Hill: Well, couldn't we just buy like a Japanese one?
- Hank: Bobby, go to your room!
- Reverend Thomason: For those of you who missed my sermon this morning, I'd like to remind you that spilling anything on the new carpet is a sin.
- Hank: [Luanne asks Hank to play God in her Manger Babies show] Tell ya what, Luanne, uh, just as soon as I finish turning beer into water, I'll meet you in the garage.