- Cotton Hill: I think I'll name him Hank. I always wanted a son named Hank.
- Hank: Dad, MY name is Hank.
- Cotton Hill: Then we'll call him "G.H." for "Good Hank!"
- Hank: Now that makes it sound like I'm "Bad Hank."
- Peggy Hill: I have had a near-death experience. Most people never get that except when it's right next to their death experience and then they can't appreciate it.
- Hank: You want me to just leave?
- Peggy Hill: Yes.
- Hank: So like, the right thing for me to do is just leave, even though you're crying.
- Peggy Hill: Go!
- Hank: Huh... Well, I'm skeptical, but okay.
- Cotton Hill: I'm going to call this son Hank. I always wanted a son named Hank.
- Hank: Dad, my name's Hank.
- Cotton Hill: Oh, yeah. In that case, I'm going to call this one Good Hank.
- Hank: Dad, you shouldn't call him Good Hank. It makes me sound like Bad Hank.
- Cotton Hill: Well ya burned my burger, didn't ya, B.H.
- Peggy Hill: I thought I'd be spending more time doing some hands-on baby care. I guess that was just a little unrealistic, huh?
- Hank: Well, you know, Helen Keller was largely useless, but look how we remember her: first lady of the American stage.
- Peggy Hill: I was once one of the finest mothers in all of Texas, and now I can't even wipe a baby. And I have to watch those two, Cotton and Stupid, with their beautiful new baby that they don't even want!
- Cotton Hill: [seeing his newborn son] You're a handsome little soldier. You wanna kill a Nazzy? A Nazzy Nazzy-squazzy?
- Bobby Hill: I am a twelve year-old boy! I am this child's nephew! I cannot do this. I cannot do this! If anyone makes any dinner, I'll eat it, but that's it. All I'll do is eat!
- Peggy Hill: [as she rocks G.H. to sleep via her toes] Isn't it amazing? It's the greatest dang feeling in the world.
- Cotton Hill: [seeing Peggy in a body cast] Hank, what did you do to your wife? I didn't teach you that!