- Rosalind Shays: I want a tax matter.
- Ann Kelsey: As a matter a fact, it's not a tax matter.
- Douglas Brackman, Jr.: He, uh, he just jumped into the breach, so to speak. His forte is strictly tux.
- Rosalind Shays: I hope with the adequate.
- Ann Kelsey: Well, he hasn't been found wanting up until now.
- Douglas Brackman, Jr.: We're also fully prepared to make whatever adjustments are necessary.
- Ann Kelsey: Assuming any are necessary.
- Leland McKenzie: What else?
- Rosalind Shays: Your litigation department.
- Michael Kuzak: What about it?
- Rosalind Shays: Well, other than your tax attorney having to fill in. I want to be certainly you're not about to lose one of your aces.
- Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Who's that?
- Rosalind Shays: Victor Sifuentes. He's been associate for 3 years. With his reputation, he's got to be looking for a partnership.
- Leland McKenzie: Rosalind, the truth is that a partnership offers not contemplated in the near future who Victor is. On the other hand, I expect that one ultimately will be made and I have no reason to believe that we're in danger of losing him.
- Rosalind Shays: Good. And while we're speaking about associates, I should let you know that I will be bringing one with me.
- Douglas Brackman, Jr.: I see no reason that we can accommodate you there.
- Arnie Becker: Maybe we should first get a better idea of what that accommodation entails.
- Ann Kelsey: Before we do that, maybe we should ask ourselves if this is really a place where Rosalind can be happy.
- Rosalind Shays: Let me say something. Right now we're very wary of each other. We should be wary. If there's venture is going to go forward, but then you have to adjust to each other. I'm willing to deal halfway. If you're looking for more than, we got the wrong team.
- Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Dorian vs. Togetherness Dating Service.
- Stuart Markowitz: Yeah, that's mine. What year is complete, we go to trial this afternoon.
- Leland McKenzie: This case really can't be settled, Stuart?
- Stuart Markowitz: No, the conscience, I wouldn't recommend it, Leland.
- Leland McKenzie: Why not?
- Stuart Markowitz: Because the gravamen of the plaintiff's case is such, that we're going beat her cold.
- Jonathan Rollins: Could not still end up costing us more than a settlement?
- Stuart Markowitz: Mm-mm. Not if I'm successful and my motions for cost this person's legal fees, plus, let's not forget. If resettle, there'll be more plaintiffs coming out of woodwork.
- Arnie Becker: Gravamen?
- Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Giant Sequoia Taurus Council vs. Giant Sequoia beverages.
- Abby Perkins: That's mine, we're representing a small mineral water company that's being sued for using the name Giant Sequoia. They claim is the fraudulent misrepresentation where the water comes from.
- Victor Sifuentes: Where does it come from?
- Abby Perkins: El Segundo.
- Jonathan Rollins: They have mineral in El Segundo?
- Abby Perkins: It's invisible water. It's been filtered and flavored of Juniper extract and bottles.
- Douglas Brackman, Jr.: And we expect this to go to trial, too?
- Abby Perkins: Actually, no. Our guy is trying to come up with another names and we can make this whole thing disappear quietly.
- Michael Kuzak: As well he might.
- Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Partners meeting. Tonight 8pm.
- Victor Sifuentes: Hmm. Little party after doctors split up the pie, eh? To the partners go the spoils.
- Douglas Brackman, Jr.: What can I say? We all have a part to play.
- Benny Stulwicz: Yeah.
- Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Good, Benny. Good.
- Ann Kelsey: What's this?
- Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Melons by mail. A cut-rate produce output that ships by mail. Saves money. Saves working it up here from the store. I ordered 30 lbs. of cantaloupe for a third of what you'd pay in the store.
- Leland McKenzie: Rosalind, first off, let me welcome you. I'm only stating the obvious when I say that we all have the highest regard for your reputation isn't an attorney.
- Rosalind Shays: Let me say the equally obvious which is that the admiration is mutual.
- Leland McKenzie: That said. I'm sure there's a plethora of questions that need to be asked.
- Rosalind Shays: Ready on the left. Ready the right. Ready on the firing line.
- Ann Kelsey: I guess I'll start. You've been successful where you are, why do you want to make a move at all?
- Rosalind Shays: A large law firm can get very bureaucratic. I found myself fighting that too much of the time. And as my visibility grew, it became somewhat of a threat to other members of the firm.
- Arnie Becker: You don't have to worry about that happening here, well, very secure.
- Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Let's talk portables for a minute. Well, you've got an all-star client roster now. How many of them will follow you here?
- Rosalind Shays: There's a simple rule at my firm, Douglas, you eat what you kill. So any clients are brought in over there, I will bring here with me if I came over.
- Douglas Brackman, Jr.: I love the sound of that.
- Rosalind Shays: Bringing is one thing and keeping them as something else.
- Arnie Becker: Do you anticipate a problem?
- Rosalind Shays: I have some consent.
- Leland McKenzie: Like what?
- Rosalind Shays: Well, let's start with your tax department. I understand that, uh, Stuart Markowitz, is that his name?
- [Rosalind got Stuart]
- Rosalind Shays: He's it.
- Ann Kelsey: So what's your concern?
- Rosalind Shays: First off, where is he?
- Leland McKenzie: Stuart's in court today.
- Pest Control Exterminator Steve Tumka: There's a number of different ways you can go with this.
- Roxanne Melman: Whatever works.
- Pest Control Exterminator Steve Tumka: Let me just outline the options. I always say, the more a client knows about what it is I do, the better.
- Roxanne Melman: Mr. Tumka...
- Pest Control Exterminator Steve Tumka: Call me Steve.
- Roxanne Melman: Okay, Steve, we have one rat loose in our office. We would like it if you could get rid of it as quickly as possible.
- [Exterminator Steve Tumka shows the rat trap]
- Pest Control Exterminator Steve Tumka: This is a standard snap trap. I bait it with peanut butter, then place, I would say, in the neighborhood of a dozen at various points around the office. Your rodent takes the bait, whack-- spring mechanism breaks its neck.
- Roxanne Melman: That sounds great, Steve.
- Pest Control Exterminator Steve Tumka: We can always go with liquid bait stations, but let's go with this approach first.
- Roxanne Melman: Okay.
- [Pest Control Exterminator Steve Tumka will get to work on the rat]
- Pest Control Exterminator Steve Tumka: Tumka Pest Control has taken on a lot tougher jobs than yours, little lady.
- Roxanne Melman: I'm sure you can take care of this one.
- Pest Control Exterminator Steve Tumka: Wish me luck.
- [Exterminator Steve Tumka will get in touch with Roxanne Melman and Benny Stulwicz later]
- Stuart Markowitz: Um... boy. Sounds like a pretty horrible date.
- Howard Hulse: Yes, it was a horrible date.
- Stuart Markowitz: Mr. Hulse, I have both your questionnaires here. Seems like you both like opera, you both like the theater, Julia Iglesias. You like to take longs walks on the beach. Boy. On paper, sounds like you guys have a lot of potential.
- Howard Hulse: Oh, yes, on paper I do very well.
- Stuart Markowitz: Well, then, what happened when you went out with her? What happened?
- Howard Hulse: She was basically very polite. I brought her flowers and she thanked me for them. And then we had our date, which was very horrible. Afterwards, I took her home, and she told me that she felt drained and depressed. I took that to mean she didn't want to see me again.
- Stuart Markowitz: Did you like her?
- Howard Hulse: How can I like her? She subpoenaed me here as proof of a lousy date.
- Stuart Markowitz: No, I don't mean now. I mean back when you met her. Did-- did you like her then?
- Howard Hulse: You know, it's funny 'cause actually I did. In fact, when I first got the summons, I didn't think it was real. I thought this is a creative way of asking me out. Stupid me.
- Stuart Markowitz: I have nothing further.
- [Mr. Markowitz is out of time. Dianna Dorian remembers of Howard Hulse]
- Clerk: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?
- Howard Hulse: I do.
- Stuart Markowitz: Your Honor, I renew my objection to this. The fact that the plaintiff had a bad date with this witness...
- William Sanderland: He's being offered to prove the defendant's willful disregard of my client's wishes, he is totally relevant.
- Judge Steven Lang: All right. Quiet. The objection is overruled. The witness is in. But let's move through it.
- William Sanderland: Thank you. Could you please state your name for the record?
- Howard Hulse: Howard.
- William Sanderland: Your full name, please.
- Howard Hulse: Howard Hulse.
- William Sanderland: Mr. Hulse, did you employ the defendant, Togetherness Dating Service?
- Howard Hulse: I did.
- William Sanderland: And as a result of that employment, we're you matched up for a date with the plaintiff, Dianna Dorian?
- Howard Hulse: Yes.
- William Sanderland: I'm holding in my hand a copy of my client's pre-date questionnaire setting forth her requirements. Item 23, she lists leadership. Are you a leader?
- Howard Hulse: I could be. Given the right set of circumstances, I could be.
- William Sanderland: Dynamic.
- Howard Hulse: I am as dynamic as the next guy.
- William Sanderland: [Reading] "With a rapier-like intellectual wit."
- Stuart Markowitz: Objection, Counsel's mocking the witness.
- Judge Steven Lang: I'll overrule it, but I want you to move fast, Mr. Sanderland.
- Howard Hulse: You know, people find me to be a very lively conversationalist, and that's on a wide range of topics.
- William Sanderland: How about emotionally stable?
- Howard Hulse: How about it?
- William Sanderland: Isn't it true that you refused to park in an underground garage because of what you referred to as, and I quote, "an overwhelming sense of claustrophobia"?
- Howard Hulse: Eccentricities don't necessarily indicate instability, sir.
- William Sanderland: You sniffed your food and you sniffed Ms. Dorian's food at the restaurant. Why?
- Howard Hulse: I sniffed mine for signs putrification. It would have been rude of me not to have sniffed hers as well. Tell me, what's wrong with that?
- William Sanderland: Nothing, Mr. Hulse. Nothing at all. I have no further questions.
- D.D.A. Grace Van Owen: 2 years, minimum security.
- Brian LaPorte: No, chance. Any kind of guilty plea, my guy loses custody.
- D.D.A. Grace Van Owen: Oh, what a horrible thing that would be, a child molester losing custody of his daughter. How could we sleep at night?
- Brian LaPorte: Hey, Grace, he's no child molester until you prove it, which we both know is a hard thing to do. And I'm telling you, Edward was very convincing guy at the family court hearing.
- D.D.A. Grace Van Owen: Yeah, yeah, I saw how convincing he was when he failed the polygraph test.
- Brian LaPorte: Which we know is inadmissible.
- D.D.A. Grace Van Owen: Doesn't it bother you, Brian? You know he's guilty and you're actually helping him to keep custody.
- Brian LaPorte: I took the case. It's my job to advise him to his options and his chances, and then carry out his wishes. He wants the big NG. He wants unsupervised visits, so I got to do what I gotta do.
- [Attorney Brian LaPorte will be marching and enter the courtroom. And Deputy D.A. opens the door and she gets in, too]