The Larry Sanders Show (TV Series)

Headwriter (1994)

Janeane Garofalo: Paula

Photos 

Quotes 

• Phil : I want the job Arthur.

  Arthur : If you're talking about balling Larry's melon, forget it Phil. I didn't laugh the first time.

  Phil : I want to be a headwriter.

  Arthur : You're working on a gag here, right?

  Phil : No, I want the job and I think I deserve it.

  Arthur : You're serious?

  Phil : Yes.

  Arthur : Haha.

  Phil : C'mon Arthur. I know the show, I know what Larry likes, I know his rhythms.

  Arthur : I don't think it would work out, Phil.

  Phil : Why not?

  Paula : [suddenly appears]  I got him! I got Steve Martin for thursday finally.

  Arthur : Hey sweetie! Another knock show on your bucking belt. How did you manage that?

  Paula : Well, I charmed his ass and told him "Roxanne" was my favorite movie, inquired about his play...

  Phil : And you promised to blow him.

  Paula : Oh Phil, you know all my little tricks don't you?

  Arthur : Thanks, Paula. Thanks, Phil.

  Phil : Why wouldn't work?

  Arthur : Well, let's just say that I don't think you have the temperament for it.

  Phil : Now what does that mean?

  Arthur : Well it means, Phil, that you're a snide little prick. Not that we don't love that about you but what we're looking for in a headwriter is more experience, someone's more of a people person.

  Phil : I'm a people person!

  Arthur : That's true, in the last two minutes alone you offered to fuck Larry's melon and you accused Paula of promising to orally service a distinguished guest. Let's face it son, you're a born diplomat.

• Phil : Any word from Steve?

  Paula : Yeah, he got the fax but he's got some problems. He thinks you're making fun of mute people.

  Phil : It is a take off on "The Piano", it does not work without a mute.

  Paula : No duh... He also doesn't want to wear long cloth on camera.

  Phil : Gimme a break. This guy makes a career putting an arrow through his head and he won't wear a long cloth?

  Paula : Ooh, that's the breaks, junior.

  Phil : Thanks for your help, bitch.

  Paula : Ooh, that'd be so much hotter if you were wearing your tie.

• Paula : Has Larry even aproved this? He hates doing sketches.

  Phil : Yes Paula, it's been aproved.

  Paula : By whom?

  Phil : By me. The headwriter.

  Paula : Is that truth?

  Phil : Yes.

  Paula : [happily]  Oh goodie! That means you'll be gone in a month.

• Paula : As I predicted Phil, he was not gonna like it and instead of saying it, he backed out of the show entirely. So guess what, we don't have Steve Martin. Thanks a lot, guy in the charge.

  Phil : Hey listen, I wrote a great fucking sketch because you told me we had a piece of talent booked on the show. Now I come to find out that you don't know what you're talking about... do your job Paula!

  Paula : Do my job? You do it, asswipe. You get on the phone and find a last minute replacement for Steve Martin, someone willing to do a half sketch about "The Piano", which by the way is six months too late. Nice topical meter, deepshit.

  Phil : Go fuck yourself!

  [Paula throws her coffee on him]