The Larry Sanders Show (TV Series)

Headwriter (1994)

Wallace Langham: Phil

Photos 

Quotes 

• Phil : Anything else I need to know?

  Arthur : Network meeting tomorrow at 3. You might wanna bring your razor out of hiding, shave, bathe, shampoo, clean shirt and see if you can wear something that touch more conservative.

  Phil : Any suggestions?

  Arthur : Just stay away from usual attire, that's all. Hell, you look like you're a member of Peanuts gang, Linus with goatee.

• Phil : Fuck it. I'm gonna do the jokes and you two can go sit in a corner and jerk off.

• Arthur : You want Paula fired?

  Phil : Yes and I wanna watch while you do it.

• Arthur : A little late with Larry's melon, Beverly?

  Beverly Barnes : Oh I had to go and get a new one first, Arthur. I mean, I had it all cut up in little chunks the way he likes it then he came in today and said he wanted bald.

  Phil : I'd do it except I'm already dating someone. Sorry.

  Beverly Barnes : Thank you Phil.

• Phil : I want the job Arthur.

  Arthur : If you're talking about balling Larry's melon, forget it Phil. I didn't laugh the first time.

  Phil : I want to be a headwriter.

  Arthur : You're working on a gag here, right?

  Phil : No, I want the job and I think I deserve it.

  Arthur : You're serious?

  Phil : Yes.

  Arthur : Haha.

  Phil : C'mon Arthur. I know the show, I know what Larry likes, I know his rhythms.

  Arthur : I don't think it would work out, Phil.

  Phil : Why not?

  Paula : [suddenly appears]  I got him! I got Steve Martin for thursday finally.

  Arthur : Hey sweetie! Another knock show on your bucking belt. How did you manage that?

  Paula : Well, I charmed his ass and told him "Roxanne" was my favorite movie, inquired about his play...

  Phil : And you promised to blow him.

  Paula : Oh Phil, you know all my little tricks don't you?

  Arthur : Thanks, Paula. Thanks, Phil.

  Phil : Why wouldn't work?

  Arthur : Well, let's just say that I don't think you have the temperament for it.

  Phil : Now what does that mean?

  Arthur : Well it means, Phil, that you're a snide little prick. Not that we don't love that about you but what we're looking for in a headwriter is more experience, someone's more of a people person.

  Phil : I'm a people person!

  Arthur : That's true, in the last two minutes alone you offered to fuck Larry's melon and you accused Paula of promising to orally service a distinguished guest. Let's face it son, you're a born diplomat.

• Phil : Any word from Steve?

  Paula : Yeah, he got the fax but he's got some problems. He thinks you're making fun of mute people.

  Phil : It is a take off on "The Piano", it does not work without a mute.

  Paula : No duh... He also doesn't want to wear long cloth on camera.

  Phil : Gimme a break. This guy makes a career putting an arrow through his head and he won't wear a long cloth?

  Paula : Ooh, that's the breaks, junior.

  Phil : Thanks for your help, bitch.

  Paula : Ooh, that'd be so much hotter if you were wearing your tie.

• Paula : Has Larry even aproved this? He hates doing sketches.

  Phil : Yes Paula, it's been aproved.

  Paula : By whom?

  Phil : By me. The headwriter.

  Paula : Is that truth?

  Phil : Yes.

  Paula : [happily]  Oh goodie! That means you'll be gone in a month.

• Paula : As I predicted Phil, he was not gonna like it and instead of saying it, he backed out of the show entirely. So guess what, we don't have Steve Martin. Thanks a lot, guy in the charge.

  Phil : Hey listen, I wrote a great fucking sketch because you told me we had a piece of talent booked on the show. Now I come to find out that you don't know what you're talking about... do your job Paula!

  Paula : Do my job? You do it, asswipe. You get on the phone and find a last minute replacement for Steve Martin, someone willing to do a half sketch about "The Piano", which by the way is six months too late. Nice topical meter, deepshit.

  Phil : Go fuck yourself!

  [Paula throws her coffee on him]