- Gene Siskel: Hi, Gene Siskel.
- John Ritter: Hi, John Ritter.
- Gene Siskel: I know.
- John Ritter: I know you know. I heard you talk about my work on your show.
- Gene Siskel: Good things, I hope.
- John Ritter: Not really.
- Gene Siskel: Well, that Blake Edwards movie, what was that?
- John Ritter: "Skin Deep".
- Gene Siskel: Well, you know that, that glowing in the dark condom scene... was kinda cute.
- John Ritter: I don't care. I don't listen to critics, I don't find it constructive, I really don't care.
- Gene Siskel: C'mon, I know you're basically a TV actor but surely you know the difference between a good movie and a bad movie, I mean, have you made both Problem Child 1 and 2.
- John Ritter: "Skin Deep" was a very good movie, it did extremely well in Europe. All I know is I did the work, I put a lot of good positive energy into it...
- Gene Siskel: Sure...
- John Ritter: ...and I turn on my TV set and I have to listen to you say "that I seemed distracted by what was going on around the making of the movie and I became a bore after a while". I don't need that.
- Gene Siskel: You know the exact words I used... how long was that? Five years ago? You remember pretty well for an actor who doesn't pay attention to critics.
- Robert Brody: Tell me, has Larry ever been romantically involved with any of the guests?
- Arthur: What kind of fuck question is that?
- Robert Brody: My editor put in on you. Right? It's inappropriate.
- Arthur: You think we're busting our balls doing 1400 shows so Larry can get laid? Believe me, if Mr. Sanders wanted to fuck talent, he would be an agent.
- Adam Loderman: This fucking maniac attacked my client. This fucking people from Chicago, this is all they know, punching and fists.
- Gene Siskel: Hey, cut the Chicago crap. All you people from L.A. know is how to validate your parking.
- Phil: [screaming, off-screen, while Larry is interviewing Gene Siskel] AAAH! God, you son-of-a... ugh.
- [on screen]
- Phil: You little son-of-a-bitch! Artie, this godamn dog bit me. Darlene!
- Arthur: [Darlene runs] Come back here.
- Phil: Jesus...
- Arthur: I'm running a fucking pre-school.
- Phil: It's bleeding, I think I'm gonna puke.
- Arthur: Oh bullshit. Well, just some punctuals, no stitches necessary. We'll get a tectanus shot after the show. Now I want you to go to my office, top left drawer, bottle of brandy, big belt, pour on that hand and you'll be fine.
- Phil: But it really hurts.
- Arthur: Oh stop being such a fucking baby, goddamnit, Phil. So you jerk off with the other hand for a few weeks.
- [last lines]
- Arthur: I never understood why you read this shit.
- Larry Sanders: Because it's an article about the show.
- Arthur: I'm sure it's excellent publicity.
- Larry Sanders: Excellent publicity? Excellent... have you seen this? You know what it's... it's unbelievable. This guy says John Ritter and Gene Siskel got into a fight; a dog bit Phil; you and Phil were wrestling on the floor; says you and Elizabeth Ashley were doing god-knows-what in the wardrobe room.
- Arthur: You see what these guys are, they come on the show and it's not exciting enough for them and they make up this shit.
- Hank Kingsley: I went to see that movie, "The Crying Game" because you gave such a big review...
- Gene Siskel: It's a great film.
- Hank Kingsley: Yeah, uh... what's... what's the hoopla... because it was supposed to be this fantastic plot twist and frankly I just... I didn't... I didn't see it.
- Gene Siskel: You're kidding?
- Hank Kingsley: No, no.
- Gene Siskel: You're not kidding?
- Hank Kingsley: No.
- Gene Siskel: Hank, Stephen Rea's character...
- Hank Kingsley: Stephen...
- Gene Siskel: The woman he falls in love with...
- Hank Kingsley: That dark skinned cutie.
- Gene Siskel: Hmm, hmm. She turns out to be a man.
- Hank Kingsley: I don't think so.
- Gene Siskel: Hank, there's a shot in the film, camera pans down the body right below the waist...
- Hank Kingsley: Yes...
- Gene Siskel: There's a penis.
- Hank Kingsley: I don't think so.