- Miss Elsie Hatch: And night before last, there was a naked man with a crossbow running up and down West 74th Street.
- Det. Mike Logan: Where did he keep the arrows?
- Miss Murdoch: How come every freak in the country lives in New York? Why don't some of you people move to Nebraska?
- Sal Violet: [a man dressed in drag] I'm from Nebraska, sweetie. How do think I got this way?
- [a witness has a mental condition causing him to sometimes act irrationally]
- Ben Stone: Your psychiatrist tells us that you have moments of rational thought. We're going to take care of you, and you're going to go back in there and have one of those moments.
- Scoler: Mr. Tatum, has the CIA ever tried to assassinate you?
- Christian 'Lemonhead' Tatum: Yes.
- Scoler: When was the last attempt on your life?
- Christian 'Lemonhead' Tatum: Tuesday.
- Ben Stone: Objection, your honor.
- [Judge waves dismissively]
- Scoler: Why would the CIA want to kill you, Mr. Tatum?
- Christian 'Lemonhead' Tatum: Eastern Europe. I briefed Mikhail Gorbachev several times lat year, before it all happened.
- Scoler: So you made them look bad?
- Christian 'Lemonhead' Tatum: Yes, they don't like that.
- Scoler: Thank you, Mr. Tatum. No further questions.
- Ben Stone: The appeal is based on the defendant's Fourth Amendment rights. You didn't have a warrant when you searched his place of abode.
- Det. Mike Logan: "Abode" huh? It was in the damn bushes!
- Christian 'Lemonhead' Tatum: Lemonhead Tatum: As he was taken into custody by Det. Logan: Oh! The monkey wrapped his tail around the flagpole, around the flagpole, around the flagpole.