- Charles: And you call yourself a chef.
- Sgt. Pernelli: No. I call myself a cook. Chefs ain't got tattoos.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Is it treason to refuse to serve liver tartare?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: It's the most noble thing a man can do for his country.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: How about this, Beej? Only in Korea, huh? There I was mopping floors, washing windows, making beds. A talent scout sees me changing bed pans, and, poof, I'm doing abdominal surgery.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Now get out there and knock 'em alive!
- Charles: Very well. If I am to continue this Boxing Day Kinderspiel, I refuse to do so under the command of this itinerant lardmeister.
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Major, I'm afraid I don't quite understand.
- Charles: What don't you quite understand?
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Everything after "very well."