- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: Colonel?
- Col. Potter: Radar, no interoffice running.
- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: Yes, sir.
- Col. Potter: Good news. The Chinese have agreed to a prisoner exchange.
- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: Terrific. Sir, we got big problems.
- Col. Potter: Hawkeye locked Burns in the nurses' latrine?
- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: No, sir, that was last Friday.
- Col. Potter: Time flies.
- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: Yes. It's Klinger.
- Col. Potter: Rats in his blue wig?
- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: No, sir. He's outside having a picnic.
- Col. Potter: Annoying, but tolerable.
- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: He's eating a jeep.
- Col. Potter: [pause] I beg your pardon?
- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: He's eating a jeep.
- Col. Potter: Which one?
- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: The one with the squeaky seats.
- Col. Potter: Finally came up with something fresh. How do you see through those filthy glasses?
- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: I know where everything is.
- B.J.: It's all a misunderstanding.
- Col. Potter: Getting an admiral here for a crossword puzzle? You guys are one for the book.
- Hawkeye: I'm sorry.
- B.J.: He's sorry.
- Col. Potter: You were sorry when you gave Major Burns a chocolate-coated lizard.
- Hawkeye: It was Easter.
- Maj. Frank Burns: Ah, don't make me nervous, Margaret. I'll shake my bb's loose.
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: It's too late, Frank.
- Col. Potter: Cute idea, Klinger. Now cancel the picnic.
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: You don't believe I'm gonna eat this jeep, do you, sir?
- Col. Potter: Let's say I find it hard to swallow.
- B.J.: Okay, it's your turn. Tell me a fantasy.
- Hawkeye: Picture, if you will, a crisp winter afternoon. You by a crackling fire in a smoking jacket.
- B.J.: Mmm. What color?
- Hawkeye: Red... with blue satin lapels. And a zipper down the back.
- B.J.: What for?
- Hawkeye: You'll see. There's a light tapping at the door. "Who's there?" you say, checking your zipper. You saunter to the door, straightening your ascot... and casually slide back the bolt.
- B.J.: Come on! Who is it?
- Hawkeye: Lana Turner.
- B.J.: Wearing?
- Hawkeye: An angora sweater... with a zipper down the back.
- B.J.: What for?
- Hawkeye: You'll see.
- B.J.: Go on.
- Hawkeye: She throws her arms around you. But you push her away!
- B.J.: I push her away? For what?
- Hawkeye: Your smoking jacket is covered with angora lint. In a fit of pique, she leaves.
- B.J.: That's it? The end?
- Hawkeye: That's it.
- B.J.: But what about the zippers down the back?
- Hawkeye: They didn't catch on.
- B.J.: Oh, I don't believe it! I had Lana Turner in a fantasy with a sweater with a zipper down the back and I let her get away?
- Hawkeye: You always were short on zip.
- B.J.: [whines]
- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: Colonel, he's crazy.
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: See? I got a witness! You gotta give me a Section 8 and send me home.
- Col. Potter: No dice.
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: If you don't throw me out for being a nut, you're nuttier than I am!
- [Potter gives him a stern look]
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Sir.
- B.J.: [Klinger enters post-op, holding his stomach and groaning] Klinger, what is it?
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Something I ate.
- Hawkeye: I told you the food here should not be taken internally.
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: I had a couple of bolts, a horn button, part of a windshield wiper and a condenser.
- B.J.: Well-balanced meal.
- Hawkeye: But crazy.
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Not crazy enough.
- B.J.: I get it.
- [to a nurse]
- B.J.: Baker, X-ray the Lebanese for hardware. He's in for a tune-up.
- Hawkeye: And try not to rattle when you walk.
- Col. Potter: A for effort, Klinger, but it won't work.
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Watch this.
- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: [Klinger swallows a bolt from the jeep, gulping] Oh, wow! Right down.
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Dip it in a little 30-weight motor oil, pop it in, and let it slide down the gullet like a blue point oyster.
- Maj. Frank Burns: Why don't you guys like me, huh?
- Hawkeye: Because you're a lousy doctor and a rotten person.
- Maj. Frank Burns: Aside from that.
- B.J.: Well, there's your pimples.
- Maj. Frank Burns: My pores won't close!
- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: [Klinger is eating a jeep] Gee, Colonel, you think he's gonna be all right?
- Col. Potter: Oh, he'll be fine. We may have to slap him on the rack and give him a lube job.
- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: But he was eating nuts!
- Col. Potter: Squirrels do it all the time.
- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: Won't that hurt him, all that oil and metal?
- Col. Potter: He may slide out of bed tonight and end up pointing at the North Pole.
- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: You mean like a magnet?
- Col. Potter: If he gets real bad, we'll stick him to the side of a boxcar and send him down to Seoul. Oh, you better tell the boys playing horseshoes to hold up when Klinger walks by.
- Admiral Cox: Oh, one more thing. Pierce, you obviously didn't need us when you called. Why did you get us up here?
- Hawkeye: Well, I'm sorry, Admiral. It was a misunderstanding. We needed help with a crossword puzzle.
- Admiral Cox: A crossword puzzle?
- Hawkeye: We were stuck. A five-letter Yiddish word for bedbug.
- Admiral Cox: I don't believe it. You dragged us all the way up here just to get the word vontz?
- Hawkeye: Vontz!
- Lt. Tippy Brooks: Vontz!
- Hawkeye: Beej, it's vontz!