M*A*S*H (TV Series)

April Fools (1980)

David Ogden Stiers: Maj. Charles Winchester

Photos 

Quotes 

• Margaret : [bursting in]  Who left the dead minnows in my pocket?

  Charles : They were alive when I put them there. You killed them!

• Charles : [after snakes pop out of the praline can]  The truly cruel thing about this joke is that there are no pralines.

• Charles : One does not wax philosophical when one is about to be sent to Leavenworth...

  [pause] 

  Charles : My God, that's in Kansas.

• Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Look, we're already getting busted for insubordination, so why don't we go out in a blaze of glory? Let the crime fit the punishment.

  Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : I love it.

  Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan : Let's get that twerp.

  Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Charles?

  Maj. Charles Winchester : Pierce, that is a childish, totally immature, and petulant suggestion. When do we nail the swine?

• Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan : [after Hawkeye, B.J., and Charles steal Margaret's tent]  Where is my tent?

  Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : We pitched it somewhere.

  Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan : [Margaret starts hitting them with a pillow]  You crumbs! You crumbs!

  Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Margaret!

  Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan : Where is my tent?

  Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : We gave it to a dog. Now it's a pup tent.

  Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan : You idiot!

  Maj. Charles Winchester : Ah, don't hit a pillow when it's down!

• Colonel Daniel Webster Tucker : Get this: I'm gonna shape this place up and I can't think of a better way to start than barring all of you from medical service.

  Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : [laughs]  Golly gee, boys and girls, are we in Dutch.

  Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : The colonel's gonna make us stand in a corner of Korea.

  Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan : And go to bed without supper.

  Maj. Charles Winchester : For which, Colonel, I shall be eternally grateful.

• Maj. Charles Winchester : Pierce, a truly rational man does not wax philosophic when his address is about to be changed to Leavenworth.

  [Realizes] 

  Maj. Charles Winchester : Oh, my God. That's in KANSAS.

• Col. Sherman T. Potter : What's going on here?

  Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : 'Tis the season to be silly, Colonel. April one-eth is at hand.

  Col. Sherman T. Potter : Bushwa! My Farmer's Almanac says it's still March.

  Maj. Charles Winchester : Oh, but Colonel, I mean, the festive spirit of April Fool can scarcely be contained within a mere 24-hour period.

  Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : And there are only a few joking days left.

  Col. Sherman T. Potter : Okay, okay. But just include me out. "Understandez" vous?

  Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Colonel, how could you even think it? Your persona is truly hallowed.

  Col. Sherman T. Potter : And don't you forget it. Besides which, I've seen 'em all.

  [Col. Potter turns to exit, revealing a tail clamped to the seat of his pants] 

• Col. Sherman T. Potter : Word is, this Tucker hombre is tougher than beef jerky and harder to swallow. We're talking about a man who picks his teeth with a rusty nail. So, for the sake of me and my EAGLES, which I worked so hard to get, there will be no--I repeat, NADA--in the way of larks, antics, or shenanigans while he's here. Got it?

  Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : Got it.

  Maj. Charles Winchester : Loud and-or clear, sir.

• Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : I'm gonna get her.

  Maj. Charles Winchester : Pierce, you are "deef." Didn't you hear what Potter said?

  Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : All he said was no jokes while Tucker's here. Well, Tucker's not here yet, so how long you think it would take us to fire Margaret out of a cannon?

  Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : [They chuckle]  I've got such a good idea.

  Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : What? What?

  Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : Uh, no more. I don't want to get Potter in hot water.

  Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : What?

  Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : No more.

  Maj. Charles Winchester : Pierce, let's call a temporary cease prank.

  Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Oh, so I'm on my own, huh?

  [Looks at Charles] 

  Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : No help will be forthcoming from the guy who had "Kilroy" painted on his head while he slept.

  [Looks at B.J] 

  Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Or the fire breathing fellow who found Tabasco in his mouthwash. All courtesy of Margaret the menace.

  Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : Maybe one more.