M*A*S*H (TV Series)
Chief Surgeon Who? (1972)
Alan Alda: Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce
Photos
Quotes
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Frank Burns : Haven't you two anything better to do when you're off duty than to lie around and swill gin?
Hawkeye : *Swill* gin?' Sir, I have sipped, lapped and taken gin intravenously, but I have *never* swilled!
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Gen. Wilson Spaulding Barker : Pierce, you're in very deep trouble.
Hawkeye : I don't think so, I can beat a pair of twos.
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Henry Blake : [Col. Blake has just appointed Hawkeye as chief surgeon] Hawkeye, don't let me down.
Hawkeye : [wearing his underwear and bathrobe] Would I do anything to disgrace this uniform?
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Henry Blake : The job will be a killer.
Frank Burns : I can adjust.
Henry Blake : I hope you can. I'm giving it to Pierce.
Hawkeye : Oh, thanks.
Frank Burns : *What*? You can't! I won't stand for it!
Henry Blake : Frank, the one thing that will get you nowhere with me is impersonating my wife.
Frank Burns : Well, what about rank?
Hawkeye : Can I help it if I'm not as rank as you?
Frank Burns : This is unheard of!
Henry Blake : Face it, Pierce is the best cutter in the outfit. He's certified in chest and general surgery. Frank, in case you haven't read the papers, there's a war on. We're here to patch guys together. We can't be so GI we lose patients!
Frank Burns : Are you implying that he's a better doctor?
Henry Blake : Yes, when the heat's on!
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Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger : Halt!
Henry Blake : Klinger!
Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger : Who goes there?
Gen. Wilson Spaulding Barker : The man's naked!
Hawkeye : Aw, come on, Klinger, put on a dress or something.
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre : At least a slip!
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Hawkeye : Threes and nines are wild. If you want, you can buy a new card on an open four.
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre : Except February, which has 28.
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Henry Blake : Burns says the operating room is becoming impossible.
Hawkeye : He's right, I agree. All that blood and everything, and those sick people - it's terrible.
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Hawkeye : How would you like a spleen across the mouth?
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Hawkeye : Whatever it is, Henry, it better be good.
Frank Burns : He's out of uniform, as usual.
Hawkeye : I tried sleeping in my uniform, Frank, but my medals keep stabbing me.
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Henry Blake : [after making Hawkeye Chief Surgeon] Hawkeye? Don't let me down.
Hawkeye : [in his bath robe] Would I do anything to disgrace this uniform?