- Father Francis Mulcahy: [singing] There's no one singing war songs now like people used to do; No "Over There," no "Praise the Lord," no "Glory Hallelu". Perhaps at last we've asked ourselves what we should have asked before: With the pain and death this madness brings, what were we ever singing for?
- [after learning that I-Corps will not replace a foot locker unless it was damaged in combat, Margaret solves the problem by shooting her broken foot locker with Charles's double-barrel shotgun]
- Margaret: There I was, alone in my tent! Suddenly, a sniper leaped out at me, and fired two shots! Bang! Bang! Without hesitation, my valiant foot locker threw itself into the direct line of fire, giving its life that I might live!
- [she gives Klinger the foot locker]
- Margaret: Now take this worthless piece of junk, and get me a new one! And make it fast, or I'll use the same technique to replace a defective company clerk!
- [Major Winchester shoots a pheasant; there is an explosion when it hits the ground]
- Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: Holy Toledo! Either that bird hit a land mine, or you just shot down a Kamikaze pigeon!
- Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: I'm writing my Uncle Abdul about what it's like over here-doctors, nurses, saving lives. Well, I got a commanding officer who dresses me up in his clothes and sits me on a horse named Sophie so he can paint his own picture. There's a priest writing war ditties. And a snooty major who pays me twenty bucks to go out into the woods with him and watch him blow up a pigeon with a land mine. And if that doesn't beat all, I got a head nurse who shoots unarmed luggage. All you guys do is tell jokes. What the hell's so funny about that?
- Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: [Maj. Winchester shoots striking a pigeon] Eureka!
- [the pigeon stoops falling down, and explodes touching the earth]
- Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: Holy Toledo! Either that bird hit a land mine or you just shot down a kamikaze pigeon.