M*A*S*H (TV Series)

Love and Marriage (1975)

Alan Alda: Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce

Photos 

Quotes 

• Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre : Thank God Henry runs this hospital. The war would be no fun without him.

  Hawkeye : Makes you glad he mugged that med student and stole his diploma.

• Mr. Kwang : Two soldiers jumped out of a truck and threw me into the back. At that moment, I realized I had volunteered.

  Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre : Yeah, we've heard a lot about those draft board trucks.

  Hawkeye : They get about 22 recruits to the gallon. Eliminates the suspense of wondering if you can pass the physical.

• Hawkeye : Frank, would you put that gun down! It's as offensive as a weapon as your mouth!

  Maj. Frank Burns : Ok, Scaredy-cat, but I can handle a firearm with the best of em

  [Accidentally shoots out the light, the room goes dark and everyone starts shouting] 

• Lt. Colonel Henry Blake : All right. He can't have the pass, but I will drop the charges.

  Hawkeye : Henry, that's very decent of you. Would you like to try for human?

• Mr. Kwang : I'm going to be a father!

  Hawkeye : Good, You can hand out cigars to the firing squad.

• Hawkeye : You got any 3-day passes on ya?

  Radar : I don't wanna get in dutch.

  Hawkeye : You want to see any more books on reproduction?

  Radar : [Long Pause]  Wait here.

• Lt. Colonel Henry Blake : Oh, don't give me that amnesia bit! I remember seeing this last night at the poker game!

  Hawkeye : [along with Trapper]  What Poker game?

  Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre : [along with Hawkeye]  What Poker game?

• Hawkeye : [after Mrs. Kwang has been having labor pains]  I think she's going into labor.

  Radar : What does that mean?

  Hawkeye : It means she's about to give birth.

  Radar : Right here? On this bus? In front of me!

  Hawkeye : Yeah, right here on this bus! What do I do? Give her a transfer? I need your help, can you get up please? Come back here.

  Radar : [Hawkeye and Radar help Mrs. Kwang to lay down]  Be careful, don't strain yourself. Easy, i'm gonna lift you now, easy.

  [helps hawkeye put Mrs. Kwang on stretcher] 

  Radar : Listen, maybe if we lift her feet up it will slow things up a little!

  Hawkeye : Go get my bag. Where were you when they were teaching this in school?

  Radar : I must have been out that year.

  Hawkeye : I'm gonna need your help.

  Radar : But i'm no good at delivering babies! When the cat had kittens, they sent me to the movies!

  Hawkeye : Radar, there's nothing to it, it's a natural experience.

  Radar : So is fainting!

  Mrs. Kwang : [Cries out in pain] 

  Radar : Ahh!

  Hawkeye : Don't worry, you'll be alright.

  Radar : Shouldn't I get some hot water or something?

  Hawkeye : There's no time for that.

  Radar : I'd be very glad to get out and look for some! Maybe there's a hot river near here, like at Yellowstone!

  Hawkeye : Come on, I need your help! Just hold her hand, me and her will do the rest.

  Radar : Oh, no, no, no no!

  Hawkeye : [to mrs. Kwang]  You'll be alright.

  Radar : Oh yeah, easy for you.

  Hawkeye : [Lifts up Mrs. Kwangs dress to deliver the baby] 

  Radar : *Oh don't do that! Ahh! Oh my god!*

• Radar : [Hawkeye just delivered a baby]  We don't have any diapers here.

  Hawkeye : We can just use your shorts.

• Hawkeye : Still doing those phony operations with the fake stitches?

  Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre : Using hair cream for penicillin?

  Hawkeye : I examined one of your patients, doctor. He still had pneumonia but I must say you've cleared up his dandruff.

  Dr. Pak : If you are finished, sirs.

• Hawkeye : Mr. Kwang's wife is having a baby!

  Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre : Her first!

  Hawkeye : And what makes it really exciting is that Mr. Kwang's the father!

  Lt. Colonel Henry Blake : [apathetically]  Uh-huh.

  Radar : [sweetly]  Oh, geez sir, it sure would be swell if we could get this Korean mommy and daddy, with their little baby all together in the same place.

  Lt. Colonel Henry Blake : Will you cut it out?