M*A*S*H (TV Series)

Love and Marriage (1975)

Jeanne Joe: Mrs. Kwang

Quotes 

• Hawkeye : [after Mrs. Kwang has been having labor pains]  I think she's going into labor.

  Radar : What does that mean?

  Hawkeye : It means she's about to give birth.

  Radar : Right here? On this bus? In front of me!

  Hawkeye : Yeah, right here on this bus! What do I do? Give her a transfer? I need your help, can you get up please? Come back here.

  Radar : [Hawkeye and Radar help Mrs. Kwang to lay down]  Be careful, don't strain yourself. Easy, i'm gonna lift you now, easy.

  [helps hawkeye put Mrs. Kwang on stretcher] 

  Radar : Listen, maybe if we lift her feet up it will slow things up a little!

  Hawkeye : Go get my bag. Where were you when they were teaching this in school?

  Radar : I must have been out that year.

  Hawkeye : I'm gonna need your help.

  Radar : But i'm no good at delivering babies! When the cat had kittens, they sent me to the movies!

  Hawkeye : Radar, there's nothing to it, it's a natural experience.

  Radar : So is fainting!

  Mrs. Kwang : [Cries out in pain] 

  Radar : Ahh!

  Hawkeye : Don't worry, you'll be alright.

  Radar : Shouldn't I get some hot water or something?

  Hawkeye : There's no time for that.

  Radar : I'd be very glad to get out and look for some! Maybe there's a hot river near here, like at Yellowstone!

  Hawkeye : Come on, I need your help! Just hold her hand, me and her will do the rest.

  Radar : Oh, no, no, no no!

  Hawkeye : [to mrs. Kwang]  You'll be alright.

  Radar : Oh yeah, easy for you.

  Hawkeye : [Lifts up Mrs. Kwangs dress to deliver the baby] 

  Radar : *Oh don't do that! Ahh! Oh my god!*