M*A*S*H (TV Series)
Mail Call Three (1978)
Oliver Clark: Captain Ben Pierce
Photos
Quotes
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Captain Ben Pierce : Captain Pierce, I'm Captain Pierce.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Huh? Oh, the letter snafu.
Captain Ben Pierce : I was passing through, and I thought we could exchange our mail.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Well, it's a pleasure to meet me.
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Captain Ben Pierce : Here are your letters.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Oh, thanks. Oh, isn't that nice? All unopened.
Maj. Charles Winchester : Pity you can't extend the same courtesy to Captain Pierce.
Captain Ben Pierce : I don't understand. You mean you looked at my letters?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Well, one of them fell on the ground and broke open.
Captain Ben Pierce : What do you mean, broke open?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : That was just a little levity to ease the tension.
[chuckling]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : You know... I just--I only read one of them.
Maj. Charles Winchester : Uh, which one was that, Pierce? The one from Sheila, Joyce, or Gloria?
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Captain Ben Pierce : [Hawkeye has read the other Capt. Ben Pierce's letters] Hey, Captain, that's not a nice thing to do.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Look, I'm sorry, but up here a letter, any letter, is as good as gold, and yours are platinum.
Maj. Charles Winchester : Yes, you're quite a Romeo.
Captain Ben Pierce : No, no, I'm no Romeo.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : You're not? I don't do that well in my dreams.
Captain Ben Pierce : I wish they'd stop writing me. I never answer them.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : I tell you what. I'll write to them. I've always wanted to be a foreign correspondent.
Captain Ben Pierce : What do you mean, a foreign correspondent?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : Joke. Little joke.
Captain Ben Pierce : Oh. Yeah.
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Captain Ben Pierce : Well, nice meeting you.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Wait, wait, just a second. I-I No offense, Pierce, but you don't exactly look like Clark Gable, and you don't sound like Ronald Colman, and you don't move like Fred Astaire. How do you do it?
Captain Ben Pierce : Do what?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : Get all the girls to go wild about ya.
Captain Ben Pierce : Oh, that. Uh, I guess it's 'cause I make them laugh.
Maj. Charles Winchester : [in disbelief] I beg your pardon?
Captain Ben Pierce : I make them laugh. It's my sense of humor. I'm a very funny guy.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : [after the other Capt. Pierce leaves] He's a VERY funny guy.