- Major Charles Winchester: Don't you see? Your hand may be stilled; but your gift *cannot* be silenced if you refuse to *let* it be.
- Private David Sheridan: Gift? You keep talking about this damn gift. I *had* a gift, and I exchanged it for some mortar fragments, remember?
- Major Charles Winchester: Wrong! Because the gift does not lie in your hands.
- [David huffs in frustration]
- Major Charles Winchester: *I* have hands, David. Hands that can make a scalpel sing! More than anything in my life... I wanted to play. But I do not have the gift! I can play the notes; but I cannot make the *music*. You've performed Liszt, Rachmaninoff, Chopin! Even if you never do so again, you've already known a joy that I will never know as long as I live! Because the true gift is in your head, and in your heart, and in your soul. Now you can shut it off forever, or you can find new ways to share your gift with the world - through the baton, the classroom, the pen. As to these works, they're for you! Because you and the piano will always be as one.
- Maj. Charles Winchester: [Charles displays piano music in front of David] I'm sure you've heard of these.
- Private David Sheridan: Huh? Pieces for the left hand. Of course I've heard of them. What are you suggesting now? That I make a career out of a few freak pieces written for one hand?
- Maj. Charles Winchester: Not at all. I won't make any pretense about your physical ability to play concerts. Not my point. Are you familiar with the story behind the Ravel?
- Private David Sheridan: No, and I don't really...
- Maj. Charles Winchester: It was written for an Austrian concert pianist named Paul Wittgenstein. He lost his right arm during the First World War. He embarked on a long search to commission piano works for the left hand alone. Composer after composer turned him down, but he refused to give up. Finally, he found Ravel who, like him, was willing to accept this great challenge.
- Father Francis Mulcahy: You know, you're being much too harsh on yourself. You mustn't think that you failed.
- Maj. Charles Winchester: But I have. The boy's a graduate of Juilliard. He just embarked on a promising career. I reach out to him, but no matter what I do, I cannot get through.
- Father Francis Mulcahy: That's not your fault.
- Maj. Charles Winchester: Oh, isn't it? We both know that there are other doctors here more able to show compassion, provide comfort. I have no magic words. I work my wonders on flesh and bone. I perform no miracle surgery on the soul. That's--That's your department.
- Father Francis Mulcahy: Major, I know how difficult it was for you to come here. It's obvious that you care a great deal.
- Maj. Charles Winchester: Of course I care.
- Father Francis Mulcahy: Then you must not give up. There's no one here with a greater love or knowledge of music. And that's the key. You must show him that his musical career is not over. You can't let him waste that precious talent that God has given him.
- Maj. Charles Winchester: Thank you, Father.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: Having some trouble over there, Winchester?
- Maj. Charles Winchester: Au contraire, Colonel. Thanks to an incomparable display of surgical prestidigitation, this lad will still have two legs to stand on when he gives me the ovation I so richly deserve.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Ah, the immortal words of Elizabeth Barrett Winchester: How do I love me? Let me count the ways.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Yowsa, yowsa. Once again from the Arrogance Ballroom, you've just heard Satchmo Winchester blowing his own horn.
- Maj. Charles Winchester: Ha ha ha ha. Spew on, supercilious twits. This lad was a mélange of mortar fragments, an airtight candidate for amputation. But an arterial graft here, a bit of tendon repair there, and this boy shall soon be walking home.
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: How about the hand, doctor?
- Maj. Charles Winchester: Well, there's slight damage to the flexor tendon and the neurovascular bundle.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: Winchester, you've got a silo full of smug, but you sure know which end of a scalpel is up.
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: That really sounds stupid.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: But is it possible?
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Of course. The stupid is always possible.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: Well, I happen to think this is a fine piece of celluloid. As a matter of fact, it's my and Mildred's favorite. Mildred loves Charles Boyer. This is a war, you know! Be grateful that we got a talkie!
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: That kid doesn't know how lucky he is. He was unconscious the whole time the movie was playing.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Yeah, well, he's not out of the woods yet. He's still got 30 or 40 more chances to see it.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Yeah, but thanks to Charles, he'll be able to walk out on it.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Big surprise dinner party. Spectacularly unforgettable. Did you ever consider renting your mouth out to the motor pool as a garage?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Beej, if we don't come up with something soon, we're gonna be modeling the latest in tar-and-feather wear. Let's attack this rationally.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: I'd rather attack you irrationally.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: You two baboons spoiled a swell movie.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: No, we didn't. It's been here so long, it spoiled by itself.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: I've seen better film forming in my soup!
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: My nurses would love a supply of cosmetics.
- [Margaret hands the list to Hawkeye]
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Here's the list. I'd like it filled immediately, please.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Happy to be of service, Major.
- [Hawkeye hands the list to B.J]
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Here you are, Beej.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: [B.J. hands the list to Klinger] There you are, Klinger.
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: What is this? You guys are really great morale officers. "Klinger, put up a suggestion box." "Klinger, get 'Gone With the Wind'." "Klinger, go to the drugstore."
- [He begins to exit]
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Pardon me.
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Where are you going?
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: To build a suggestion box. I got a DOOZY to stick in it.
- Maj. Charles Winchester: David?
- Private David Sheridan: What time is it?
- Maj. Charles Winchester: It's very late. David, I'm sorry to awaken you, but I feel that we need to talk.
- Private David Sheridan: Doctor, we have talked. How many times do you need to come here? I've told you I don't blame you for what happened, but that doesn't give me my hand back.
- Maj. Charles Winchester: Whether you blame me or not, makes no difference. It's you, David. You see no future for yourself, and that gnaws at me.
- Private David Sheridan: Your concern is admirable, but there must be better ways for you to spend your time because I don't give a damn.
- Maj. Charles Winchester: You have a very special gift.
- Private David Sheridan: Had, doctor. HAD. I'm very tired. Good night.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: [after Hawkeye has promised the camp a big surprise dinner party] You don't have a thing in mind, do you?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Even less than that.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Now, the first thing we need from you is a suggestion box.
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Make a box?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Yeah.
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Any idiot can do that.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: You want a bigger challenge? Find us some better movies.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: That should be easy, considering the fact that the best one we've seen in months is "The Field Pack--Your Canvas Buddy."
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Ah! The morale officers. Let's talk morale.
- [Margaret opens a manual]
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: "Army and Air Force exchanges directly affect soldier welfare and morale by supplying items of comfort and necessity." Paragraph 86, section C, U.S. Army Field Manual.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: We're in trouble, Hawk, It's manual warfare.
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Aha! Your wanting me in the driver's seat certainly puts me in the driver's seat for, say, a three-day pass?
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Thief!
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: "Thief" is such an ugly word. Shall we say "entrepreneur"? Sign here, Prince. I'll fill in the date after I decide on one.
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Top of the morning, bringers of mirth and good cheer. I offer you the heartfelt congratulations of the entire company clerical staff. Now, if you'll just sign here, I'll be on my way.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: What's this?
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Field Service Regulations section 6, number 84, paragraph 8-- Leaves of Absence. "Morale officers may grant leaves of absence in accordance with the policy prescribed by"...
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: This is for two weeks.
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: I can't get to Toledo overnight. Sign on the dotted line. Benjamin Franklin Pierce, Prince.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Sorry, knave. We're not travel agents.
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: W-Well, how about three days? Toledo--a whirlwind tour.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: I thought you gave up this disappearing act.
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: This dismal, rotten place has reached a new high, and low.
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Look at this withering shell of a man. I need to relax and unwind. Company clerking is hell. You're just doctors. You don't know the meaning of pressure.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: [Hawkeye and B.J. applaud] Oh, very good.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Bravo!
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: You see, Klinger, it's just that kind of unashamed con artistry that has made you an indispensable cog in the new Pierce-Hunnicutt happiness machine.
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Man can resist only so much flattery.
- Father Francis Mulcahy: [Hawkeye and B.J. go through their suggestion box] Well, any helpful suggestions?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Well, this one is interesting, but I'm afraid "burning down the entire camp" would be impractical.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: "First Annual Naked Day" shows promise. We're working on that.
- Father Francis Mulcahy: [chuckles] I see. Oh. Uh, how did your Simon Says tournament turn out?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Oh, great. B.J. won. I came in second.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Nobody else showed up.