- Major Franklin Marion Burns: I'm reducing you to Corporal.
- The Cook: Are you busting me?
- Major Franklin Marion Burns: Yes, and with a corresponding reduction in pay, of course.
- The Cook: My invalid wife is dependent on my sending her a few dollars every month, sir.
- Major Franklin Marion Burns: Is this the same wife you had when you poisoned me?
- The Cook: Yes, sir.
- Major Franklin Marion Burns: As I remember, I couldn't punish you then because your wife had just died.
- The Cook: Oh, she got better.
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: May I have your blessing?
- Father Francis Mulcahy: Certainly, but you're holding down the hand I do that with.
- Captain John McIntyre: [Sees Frank in the longjohns] Look at what the giant rodent has on his body.
- Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Supparating pustules, if there's any justice.
- [to Frank]
- Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Where'd you get those longjohns!
- Major Franklin Marion Burns: Wouldn't you like to know!
- Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: [picks up empty gas can and prepares to hit Frank with it] Those are MINE, you hermaphordidic weasel!
- Major Franklin Marion Burns: Possession is nine-tenths of the law, Pierce. And I'm sleeping with a loaded baseball bat under my pillow, so don't try anything!
- Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: If I didn't think those would keep you warm, Frank, I'd come over there and beat you to a pulp. Say your prayers, Frank, or the tooth fairy may come and knock out all your teeth!
- Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: If he lets everyone feel them, all that'll be left is a package of lint.
- Father Francis Mulcahy: Well, better kept them locked up until you can find the owner. A lot of people would like to get their hands on them.
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Oh don't you worry, Father. I'll ask around. I'll ask around. And then meanwhile, I'll stay very close to these.