Mad About You (TV Series)
Uncle Phil and the Coupons (1997)
Paul Reiser: Paul Buchman
Photos
Quotes
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Paul Buchman : So we'll use the coupons, I don't know. Listen: I always heard growing up, they said that there's no such thing as a free lunch.
Uncle Phil : [Hands Paul a coupon] Here. Free lunch.
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Uncle Phil : [talking about coupons] Look, you see the dotted lines?
Paul Buchman : Right.
Uncle Phil : All the dotted lines?
Paul Buchman : Right.
Uncle Phil : You know why they put th--It's not a line test. They put them there for you to cut them out. They WANT you to take them.
Paul Buchman : All right.
Uncle Phil : They're HURT when you don't take them.
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Paul Buchman : I think we got more than anything a child could possibly use.
Uncle Phil : Wait a minute, wait a minute.
[He points to a shelf]
Uncle Phil : Ointments.
Paul Buchman : Oh, we got ointments.
Uncle Phil : Don't tell me every child couldn't use baby oil? A little baby cream?
Paul Buchman : Well, we have plenty of that.
Uncle Phil : Every child needs more baby cream than you think. The average ten pound child, I would say is about eight pounds child, two pounds ointments, creams, and emollients.
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Paul Buchman : [about coupons] I'm just--Look, it says "One per customer". You're only supposed to have one per customer.
Uncle Phil : One per customer, sure. Well, I'm a customer.
Paul Buchman : Right.
Uncle Phil : You're a customer.
Paul Buchman : Yes.
Uncle Phil : Ira's a customer...
Paul Buchman : You got these from EVERY relative?
Uncle Phil : I get from--not only from relatives. I get 'em from neighbors, people in the building. I'm very popular. I'll tell ya: if I would decide today to run for mayor, I'm telling ya I wouldn't lose by more than five votes. Six, at the most.
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Pre-School Principal : One last question, and I hate to even have to ask this, but you've never been convicted of a felony, have you?
Jamie Stemple Buchman : Haha. No we haven't.
Paul Buchman : [long pause] When you say "convicted"...
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Paul Buchman : You got coupons for everything here?
Uncle Phil : You see that hat?
Paul Buchman : Yeah.
Uncle Phil : Thirty dollars in the store. With these coupons, what?
Paul Buchman : I don't know.
Uncle Phil : Seven cents!
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Paul Buchman : What did you just say?
Ira Buchman : What?
Paul Buchman : You just call her Honey?
Ira Buchman : No.
[Beat]
Ira Buchman : Okay, but I didn't mean to.
Paul Buchman : All right, what is going on with you two?
Ira Buchman : Nothing.
Paul Buchman : Nothing, c'mon. You're using terms of endearment, you're going on secret errands together.
[Beat]
Paul Buchman : I know what it is: Are you guys getting married?
Ira Buchman : Paulie...
Paul Buchman : Is that it? Just tell me, 'cause I don't want to hear about it on the street.
Ira Buchman : Paulie, you're embarrassing me.
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Ira Buchman : Let me talk to her, all right?
Paul Buchman : When?
Ira Buchman : In my own time.
Paul Buchman : All right, what are you gonna say?
Ira Buchman : I'll say something good.
Paul Buchman : All right, you better. 'Cause if not...
Ira Buchman : What?
Paul Buchman : [At a loss for words] ... I'm not gonna let you marry her.