Mad About You (TV Series)

Uncle Phil and the Coupons (1997)

Robert Curtis Brown: Lawyer

Quotes 

• Judge Chuffa : Counsel, what is the nature of your complaint?

  Lawyer : Your Honor, we will prove beyond doubt that Philip Irwin Buchman...

  Uncle Phil : Hey, hey.

  Lawyer : That Philip Buchman, along with his relatives who were willing accomplices, did knowingly seek to defraud the Colosso Food and Toy Company with the unlawful hoarding and fraudulent redemption of price-reduction coupons.

  Judge Chuffa : Mr. Buchman, how do you answer the charges?

  Uncle Phil : The charges are answered in the following manner.

  [He blows a raspberry] 

  Judge Chuffa : Response noted.

• Lawyer : You're a thin man.

  Uncle Phil : [smugly]  I read labels.

  Lawyer : Now Mr. Buchman, do you seriously mean to contend that you have eaten 320,000 Good 'n Salty Crackers?

  Uncle Phil : Your Honor, the man is assuming and presuming. How does he know what I eat and what I don't eat? This man is awash afloat in a sea of assumption and presumption!

• Uncle Phil : Your Honor, if it please the court. And I think it will.

  [to the lawyer on the witness stand] 

  Uncle Phil : You call yourself a lawyer. Do you have any evidence, do you have one eyewitness that has seen me NOT eat 320,000 Good 'n Salty Crackers?

  Lawyer : Well, we...

  Uncle Phil : Did you have an eyewitness who saw me NOT drink 2,000 bottles of Very Cherry Pop Delight?

  Lawyer : Well...

  Uncle Phil : [to the court]  Which you need, by the way, to wash down 320,000 crackers!

• Lawyer : Mr. Buchman, in order for you to have accumulated as many coupons as we've confiscated, you personally in the last six months would have to have consumed 350 pounds of Good 'n Salty Crackers...

  Uncle Phil : Yes...

  Lawyer : 1,000 bottles of Dr. Hirsch's Very Cherry Soft Drink...

  Uncle Phil : Yes...

  Lawyer : And purchased 380 pounds of Pretty Kitty Cat Food.

  Uncle Phil : Yes.

  Lawyer : Mr. Buchman, do you even OWN a cat?

  Uncle Phil : You mean at the present time as we're talking to each other?

  Lawyer : Yes.

  Uncle Phil : Nooo.

• Uncle Phil : Think, think back when you were a law student. When you thought you could do something, you could help people. You thought about justice, humanity, and goodness. And your parents. Think about your parents, how they struggled to send you to law school. What did they do to send you law school?

  Lawyer : Well, they...

  Uncle Phil : They what?

  Lawyer : They both worked very hard.

  Uncle Phil : Yes, they worked hard. And?

  Lawyer : And they borrowed money.

  Uncle Phil : And they borrowed money. And?

  Lawyer : And they cut corners wherever they could.

  Uncle Phil : Yes, they cut--What else did they... cut?

  [Uncle Phil motions with his hand] 

  Lawyer : [nervous]  Nothing.

  Uncle Phil : [pressing]  What else did they cut to send you to law school?

  Lawyer : Nothing. They cut nothing.

  Uncle Phil : WHAT ELSE BESIDE NOTHING DID THEY CUT?

  Lawyer : COUPONS! THEY CUT COUPONS!