Malcolm in the Middle (TV Series)

Christmas (2001)

Christopher Masterson: Francis Wilkerson

Photos 

Quotes 

• Francis : Well, look at that - 8:00 already, way past my bedtime. Where do I sleep?

  Grandma Ida : You're sitting on it

  Francis : Does it turn into a bed?

  Grandma Ida : Yes, it becomes a bed.

  [sarcastically] 

  Grandma Ida : It's a special magic sofa. It opens up for magic, lazy boy. And angels come out feed you grapes and sing to you while you sleep, and it flies around the room, granting wishes to boys who are stupid!

  Francis : All right! It doesn't fold out!

• Francis : [finding door under stairs]  What is this?

  [opens it and turns light on revealing lots of merchandise] 

  Grandma Ida : Oh you don't wanna look in there. It's Too sad.

  Francis : Oh grandma, what are all these things? I mean look at this; There must be like a thousand dollars worth of stuff in here.

  Grandma Ida : $2,735. $4500 Canadian.

  Francis : What are they doing in your closet?

  Grandma Ida : They're gifts. For the family, for relatives. For friends.

  Francis : But you never give presents. You...

  [spots something and picks it up] 

  Francis : Oh my God. Donatello with pizza-throwing action. I wanted one of these when I was six!

  Grandma Ida : I know you did and I bought that for you.

  Francis : No you didn't.

  Grandma Ida : Yes, I did. And Then right before Christmas, your mommy put you on the phone you called me poopy and hung uo.

  Francis : [makes weird face and then sees something else]  Is that the bread maker mom was asking for last year?

  Grandma Ida : If she wants bread so much, so should write back when her mother writes to her!

  [picks a statue up] 

  Grandma Ida : Oh, This was for cousin Nichola. I spent the day shopping for it. Then she goes and marries a protestant.

  [points to something] 

  Grandma Ida : That camera, for your father, right before he *refused* to drive me to the liquor store.

  [mutters] 

  Grandma Ida : All the nice things I do for people.

  Francis : [astonished at all this]  Oh my God! You'ree crazy! I thought you were just evil, but you are *nuts*!

  Grandma Ida : What are you talking about?

  Francis : Grandma , gifts aren't conditional, they're *gifts*! You give them to people because *love* them! They're not something you can take away because of some *petty* slight! You're not teaching people anything, You haven't gotten back them, They don't even know they've upset you! All you have done here is constructed a monument to your own insanity! What kind of person *does* that?

  Grandma Ida : A *lonely*, *bitter*, old woman.

  Francis : What?

  Grandma Ida : Look what I've done; What use is all this things to me now? They could have brought someone some happiness, but instead they just rot here.

  [gasps] 

  Francis : Grandma?

  Grandma Ida : Oh my heart... I think... It's melting.

  [Francis is in disbelief] 

  Grandma Ida : Yes, It's melting. You showed me the way Francis, by yelling at me!

  [now sarcastic] 

  Grandma Ida : Quick, go get my magic sled and me and my reindeers will give christmas to all the rude, mean, *stupid* people! We'll all join hands and sing songs! And we'll sprinkle the ingrates with fairy dust and my...

  [scene cuts away before she can finish] 

• Hal : You are a wonderful mother and you're a wonderful person.

  Francis : [On the phone]  Hey Mom, it's Francis. I just want you to know that I am disgusted with the way you treat Grandma. Abandoning a helpless old woman on Christmas. I hope you're ashamed of yourself.

• Francis : Well, in the spirit of the season, let's begin this pathetic charade.

  Grandma Ida : I never know what you're talking about. You talk like a jackass.

  [Francis gives her a card that plays "Jingle Bells"] 

  Grandma Ida : You do this... to torture me? To hurt me?

  Francis : You don't like Christmas music?

  Grandma Ida : It sounds like the song they sang when they would run through the villages and throw the babies into the fire.

  Francis : They sang Jingle Bells?

  Grandma Ida : They sang something.

• Francis : Why don't you do the entire family a favor, and just die?

• Francis : Why don't you just unhinge your jaw and finish me off?

  Grandma Ida : After my Magnum P.I.

• Lois : [wrapping up some gifts while talking to Francis in Alaska]  Just spend a couple of days with Grandma. You can leave right after Christmas.

  Francis : I am not visiting that woman. She's evil and she hates me.

  Lois : Francis, this is family. This is Grandma's first Christmas since your grandpa died and you live the closest. How can you be so selfish?

  Francis : Well did you even invite her to your house?

  Lois : [pauses for a minute]  She knows she's always welcome.

  Francis : Hey, why don't we get on a bus and surprise you?

  Lois : Don't you threaten me, I am ending this conversation. You are going to Whitehorse. You're going to the drugstore to buy her a gift. And you both will have a proper Christmas.