- Hal: Malcolm, you wouldn't happen to know the life expectancy of a bee, would you?
- Malcolm: I don't know.
- Hal: Great. What's the point of hauling around that giant head of yours if you can't retain a few simple facts?
- Lois: Hal, he gets enough pressure from school without his family piling on.
- Malcolm: [to the camera] Did Mom just defend me? Wow, this vulnerability crap is more effective than I thought.
- Jessica: [to Malcolm] Listen, Monday I need you to get your mom out of the house for a couple of hours after school. Take her to a chick flick or something. You should enjoy that.
- Malcolm: What for?
- Jessica: My boyfriend's coming over, and I'd like to have the house to ourselves, if you know what I mean.
- Malcolm: What?
- Jessica: Oh, good, you do know what I mean. I wasn't sure with that whole chasm of loneliness crap.
- Malcolm: You can't hook up in my house. I've never hooked up in my house.
- Reese: You can bite my American ass, Jiao Lee.
- Dewey: What's that?
- Reese: The school made us adopt pen-pals from different countries. I got stuck with this loser from China.
- Dewey: What's wrong with China?
- Reese: It's not what you think, Dewey. He won't send you illegal fireworks, or get your nunchucks autographed by the Emperor. The guy's a total jerk. It started off with a simple request to apologize for Pearl Harbor. The guy wouldn't do it. He's so arrogant! When I draw squiggles it's nonsense. When he does it, it's a language! I was so pissed! Then I thought, Be the better man, and reason with the guy.
- Dewey: [reading Reese's letter aloud] 'Do you want me to kick your butt? Check Yes or No'
- Reese: [astonished] And there's his response! He couldn't even follow simple instructions!
- Dewey: [continues reading Reese's letter] 'You need help, Reese'
- Reese: He thinks a whole planet between us is going to protect him? He thinks he's so smart? We'll see who's smart when I mail myself to China and kick his upside-down ass... I can't wait to see his face when he opens up his mail and I pop out.
- Malcolm: That's Jessica, our neighbor. Mom and Dad are letting her sleep on our couch for a week until her father's arraigned. Seems he got drunk Friday night, decided to track down her mom and tried to drive a street-sweeper to Mexico. She has some family issues.
- Jessica: Hi, Malcolm.
- Malcolm: You got the car? How'd you get the car?
- Jessica: I just had a little shopping to do, and your mom insisted I take the car.
- Malcolm: What do you mean she insisted? I've been begging her for weeks. Every time I ask, she says no.
- Jessica: That's where you made your mistake. I just got all vulnerable and poured on stuff about my dad. It was easy.
- Malcolm: No way.
- Jessica: Look, Malcolm, it's not something I'm proud of, believe me. It's how I've learned to survive in my twisted family. They're like a total cesspool of manipulation and emotional blackmail. Everyone screwing everyone over. I don't even know a true, honest way to connect with people anymore. It's sick. I'm sick!
- Malcolm: Jessica, wait. I'm sorry.
- Jessica: Ah, thanks for carrying my bags for me, Malcolm. Told you it was easy.