Married... with Children (TV Series)
All in the Family (1988)
Ed O'Neill: Al Bundy
Photos
Quotes
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Al Bundy : Peg, now, this is the first three-day weekend I've had in a year. It's not like I'm going to have a good time. You and the kids are going to be there. But not the Wanker wagon from Milwaukee, Peg. Please, not that. Hondo is going to be on this weekend. Now, that's some of the duke's best work. It's never on TV. I got a blank tape already. I want to watch Hondo, Peg. I want a clean tape of Hondo.
Peggy Bundy : No one is going to interrupt you watching Hondo.
Al Bundy : Remember when they were here last year? Shane was on. Just before it came on, Uncle Otto bet Uncle Irwin he couldn't stick his head through the TV. I didn't see Shane that year, Peg.
Peggy Bundy : Well, I know, Al, but you saw the end from the emergency room.
Al Bundy : "Come back, Shane. Shane. Goodbye, Shane." That's all I saw, Peg. I didn't even see the credits because your mother lumbered in front of the set. By the time her entire body chugged by, it was morning.
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Bud Bundy : Hey, Mom, are we going to go down to the pony rides to see the look on the horse's face when Uncle Irwin chooses his mount?
Peggy Bundy : No, not today, honey. Ever since Daddy paid for lunch with his watch, he's... he's been sort of a crab apple.
Uncle Irwin : I think he's mad at us.
Kelly Bundy : Oh, well, don't take it personally. Daddy always takes a noose with him into the bathroom.
Peggy Bundy : Uh-oh. Daddy's in the bathroom? Mom's up there taking a bath. Well, maybe he won't notice.
[Al screams and appears walking down the stairs]
Al Bundy : Peg, I'm blind!
Peggy Bundy : Very funny, Al.
Al Bundy : No, really, Peg. I saw your mother naked and... everything went black. I think my eyes were trying to protect my heart. Now I'm not going to see Hondo, Peg!
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Peggy Bundy : You're just the greatest. Ho ho ho!
Al Bundy : Who's coming to stay with us, Peg?
Peggy Bundy : Uh... Just my mother.
Al Bundy : No!
Peggy Bundy : And my uncles, Irwin and Otto.
Al Bundy : No! No!
Peggy Bundy : And the Wanker Triplets.
Al Bundy : NO, NO, NO!
Peggy Bundy : Oh, but, Al, they're my aunts. They're no trouble.
Al Bundy : Peg, God only knows how old they are and they sleep in the same bed. It's amazing, the triplets sleep in one bed and your mother sleeps in three.
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Peggy Bundy : Before I serve you, I have some great news.
Al Bundy : Oprah Winfrey finally exploded?
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Al Bundy : You might have been wondering why my house is tilting. Peg's relatives are in town, six of them. Well, 12 counting her mother.
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Uncle Otto : You know, you're not good enough for our family.
Al Bundy : You're right. I've never been up on a morals charge.
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Peggy Bundy : Al, how about taking us out to eat?
Al Bundy : Ah, what the hell. Kids, you didn't really want to go to college, did you?
Kelly Bundy : We'd rather eat.
Uncle Irwin : Well, if we're gonna go, we'd better get going, because once we unload your mom, it's harder than hell to squeeze her back in. She kicks like a mule.
Bud Bundy : Uncle Irwin, are you going to put your head in the salad bar again?
Uncle Irwin : Ah, if you're good.
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Marcy Rhoades : Al, do you know the difference between Steve's mother and a bowling ball?
Al Bundy : What?
Marcy Rhoades : A bowling ball doesn't have a beard.
Steve Rhoades : It's one hair. One hair does not make a beard.
Marcy Rhoades : It does if it's six inches long and V-shaped.
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Peggy Bundy : Al, we have to talk.
Al Bundy : Well, I'm broke and I'm blind, Peg. What else is there to talk about?
Peggy Bundy : Well, you haven't been very nice to my family.
Al Bundy : Well, neither has nature. Go bother it.
Peggy Bundy : Now, Al, you know I don't ask much of you because I know how severely limited you are, but please do me a favor and just say something to them.
Al Bundy : [to Peggy's uncles] Go home! Does that take care of it, Peg?
Peggy Bundy : That's a nice start. Just show them that you care.
Al Bundy : [to Peggy's uncles] Go home and drive safely.
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Uncle Otto : Al, I want to let you in on a little family secret.
Al Bundy : You're the fourth triplet?
Uncle Otto : Well, I know everybody thinks that the family income is derived primarily from the still.
Uncle Irwin : And the home yogurt business.
Uncle Otto : Quiet, Mr. Pork-at-the-bottom!
Uncle Irwin : It'll catch on.
Uncle Otto : Oh, please. Anyhow, the triplets add greatly to our income.
Al Bundy : Uh, Otto, uh, excuse me. Kelly, go upstairs.
[Kelly shakes her head]
Uncle Otto : They sing! They sing at carnivals, beer fests. Last month, they worked regular and cleared a neat 88.50.
Uncle Irwin : Don't tell the IRS.
Uncle Otto : Now something's happened that's threatened the act.
[the triplets come downstairs]
Al Bundy : They faced the audience?
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Wanker Triplet : I want to marry.
Al Bundy : Um, heh heh, somebody outside the family, right?
Uncle Otto : Well, in Wanker County, nobody's really outside the family.
Kelly Bundy : Um... well, how about that boy John who works at the feed store?
Uncle Otto : Yeah... I guess he's family.
[shocked, Kelly puts her hands to her head and sits back down]
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Al Bundy : Now, listen, before the festival of the inbreds starts, I want everybody to know that Hondo will be coming on. During Hondo, there will be no belly-butting, no spitting for distance...
[directly to Uncle Otto]
Al Bundy : ... and no one running around with underwear on their heads.
Uncle Irwin : [beat] We could have gone to a hotel.
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[after Peggy's family sing "You Are My Sunshine"]
Peggy Bundy : Gee, just like the old days.
Al Bundy : Mm. Before music.
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Al Bundy : [to Peggy] Well, that's the sound of the axle hitting the road. It means one of two things: Either everybody in China just jumped off a chair, or your family's here.
