Married... with Children (TV Series)

Assault and Batteries (1994)

Ed O'Neill: Al Bundy

Photos 

Quotes 

• Peggy Bundy : Okay Al, I got your batteries.

  Al Bundy : Peg, these are A's, I needed D's.

  Peggy Bundy : A's, D's, what's the difference?

  Al Bundy : They're too small.

  Peggy Bundy : Then use a lot of them.

  Al Bundy : Better yet, I'll exchange them... for bullets!

• Al Bundy : Peg, do we really need Christmas icicles? It's May.

  Peggy Bundy : Well, you'll thank me in December.

  Al Bundy : Only if you leave me in November.

• Al : Hey, uh, hey, lady, you know, "Hondo" is coming on pretty soon. You know, it's a story about the Wild West. You remember the Wild West, don't you?

  Old Lady : [shouting]  Aren't you that mean shoe salesman at the mall?

• Peggy Bundy : Oh, look Al, they're doing a "Full House" in 3-D.

  Al Bundy : Is the third dimension the funny one?

• Bundo : What is that gizmo?

  Evil Bank President : That's not a gizmo, it's a computer.

  Bundo : [Bundo draws his guns and shoots the computer six times]  Now it's a gizmo. Now you take your prairie chicken hide an' cluck on outta here.

• Al : [smiling]  Well, age before beauty.

  Old Lady : [sweetly]  Thank you, Beauty.

  Al : [dejectedly]  You're welcome, Age.

• Al : Don't worry, Peg, I'm not gonna be having a good time. I'll just see what I can in the dark.

  Peggy : Uh, like during sex?

  Al : No, Peg, I can't fake fixing a step.

• Man : My wife and I put a penny in it every time we make love.

  [smiles] 

  Man : We're like rabbits.

  Al : Good. On Easter I'll dip you both in chocolate and break your heads off.

• Al : [being locked in the store and facing the fact that Peg is running around the mall with credit cards]  My wife is out there unsupervised with credit cards!