Married... with Children (TV Series)

Honey, I Blew Up Myself (1994)

Ed O'Neill: Al Bundy

Photos 

Quotes 

• [after spraying WD-40 on her foot, Al squeezes a shoe on Enid, a fat customer] 

  Enid : See? I told you I was a four.

  Al Bundy : No, ma'am. "Fore." is what you'll have to yell when the shoe pops off your foot. Are we finished here?

  Enid : Well, I'm not sure I like this shade of blue.

  Al Bundy : I'll tell ya what I'll do then. We'll stand you in front of the mirror. I'll begin strangling you. When you reach the shade of blue that is satisfactory to you, you yell, "Moo," and I'll stop.

  Enid : That's it! I'm taking my business elsewhere.

  Al Bundy : May I suggest Jenny Craig?

• Al Bundy : I've seen her from the front, I've seen her from the back. I've seen her in a chair, I've seen her in a sack. I've seen her stand, I've seen her crouch. I've seen her on her stupid couch. I do not like her in the mall, I do not like her in the hall. I do not like her in my life, I do not like my big red wife!

• Al Bundy : I haven't asked for much, and God knows I've gotten it.

• Aaron : So, how much do you think you owe this store in commission?

  Al Bundy : [laughs]  I'm not selling shoes for the money, Aaron. I'm in it to torture fat women. Where have you been?

  Aaron : To buy you a birthday present. Here.

  [Al takes the gift and opens it to reveal a VHS video tape] 

  Aaron : It's Hot Dog, the Movie.

  Al Bundy : I prefer hot dog, the "Hot DOG".

  [Al tosses the tape into a wastebasket] 

  Aaron : Hey, don't do that. That tape's due back at the video store at 10 o'clock tomorrow.

  Al Bundy : Yeah, I know how it feels. At least you didn't sing "Happy Birthday" to me, I HATE THAT! Nothing to do but stand there looking like an idiot until the damn thing is finished. I hope I can get through the day without someone singing "Happy Birthday" to me.

  [Jefferson enters] 

  Jefferson D'Arcy : [singing]  Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday, dear Al. Hap-p-p-py Birthday to yooou!

• Aaron : [as Al hangs up Peggy's picture]  So what's wrong with it? I think she looks... nice.

  Al Bundy : It's not the point. You know why women want men to hang up their pictures?

  Aaron : So we appreciate...

  Al Bundy : NO! It's to mark their territory.

• Peggy Bundy : Tell me what you really think.

  Al Bundy : Well, I think you look...

  [consults the Wife-O-Meter: A: Old - Consequences: Groin Pull. Possible Head Trauma. B: Good after ten beers - Consequences: Groin Pull. Definite Head Trauma. C: Beautiful - Consequences: Groin Pull... after failure to keep straight face. D: Nice - Consequences: Meaningless Compliment Accepted. Meaningless Marriage Continues] 

  Al Bundy : Nice.

• Aaron : But I don't understand; both of you guys are married. Can't you just look at your wives topless?

  Al Bundy , Jefferson D'Arcy : Have you seen his wife?

• Al Bundy : Aaron, Aaron, it's very important that sign comes down before Peg sees it. What I want you to do is go outside to look for her and yell when you see her.

  [Peggy, Bud, and Kelly enters the store] 

  Aaron : Aah!

  Al Bundy : No, not her picture! Not her picture, her!

  [turns around and sees Peggy] 

  Al Bundy : Aah!

  Peggy Bundy : Hi, Al. Did you see it?

  Al Bundy : Yes, Peg, I saw it. Ray Charles would see it. But why is it up there?

  Peggy Bundy : Well, the photographer asked if he could use one of my shots to advertise his business. I just didn't think he was gonna make it that...

  Al Bundy : Shamu-lian?

  Peggy Bundy : Well, I was gonna say gorgeous.