- Al Bundy: [sees a gun holster Walter Traugott has] Hey, now. If you're a cop, I don't talk to the law, I don't listen to the law, I don't watch L.A. Law.
- Al Bundy: Walter Traugott came into the store today, told me you were a spy. Said he'd give me a $50,000 reward if I turned you in.
- Jefferson D'Arcy: Did you?
- Al Bundy: Do I look like I'm in Rio without the wife and kids? Although there is a plane leaving at six.
- Walter Traugott: I've got something to discuss with you of a rather, um, personal nature.
- Al Bundy: Oh, well, don't worry about it, Troggy. Your secret's safe with me. I'll just go close the blinds and you can, uh, try on anything you like here. For a couple of season tickets, I'll call a friend of mine over at Victoria's Secret and you can, uh, coordinate.
- Bud Bundy: [considering the bright prospects of street begging to fund their business enterprise] We'll have Bud and Kelly's opened in no time.
- Kelly Bundy: Hey, wait a minute. It was my idea. We're gonna name it after me.
- Bud Bundy: Hmm. There's already a place called 'In-N-Out.'
- [fleeing as she chases him up the stairs]
- Peggy Bundy: How come they don't have a Harlem Globetrotters baseball team?
- Al Bundy: They do. They're called the Mets.
- Al Bundy: One last question. Who was the vice president under president Eisenhower?
- Jefferson D'Arcy: I have no idea.
- Al Bundy: You are an American.
- [Al salutes]
- Walter Traugott: I came here to ask you a question. Specifically, do you know the man in this picture?
- [shows a picture of Jefferson with two men]
- Walter Traugott: Or this one?
- [shows a picture of Jefferson with another man]
- Walter Traugott: Or maybe this one?
- [shows a picture of Jefferson with a group of men]
- Walter Traugott: I'll cut to the chase. This man is one of the most dangerous people in the world.
- Al Bundy: Joey Bishop? I always suspected that.
- Bud Bundy: Dad. Great news, Dad. Kelly and I wanna start up our own business.
- Kelly Bundy: So will you loan us $5,000?
- Al: [sarcastically] Well, sure. Jody, Buffy, let me truck on over here to the wall safe. Nobody look.
- [Kelly covers her eyes as Al gets up and takes a portrait off the wall]
- Al: Well, strike me blind and call me Charlie. It's been took. Quick. After them.
- [goes back to his seat]
- Al: I'll wait over here by the ball game.
- Kelly Bundy: I didn't even know we had a wall safe.
- Bud Bundy: Too bad it's gone. Your brains were in it.
- Jefferson D'Arcy: Oh, hey, before I forget, Marcy wanted to invite you guys to an April Fools' party tomorrow.
- Al Bundy: Really?
- Jefferson D'Arcy: Yeah.
- Al Bundy: Oh, man, I love April Fools' Day. Peg, remember Mrs. Quinn, our music teacher?
- Peggy Bundy: [chuckles] Yeah. One April Fools', we faked a love note from her to the female gym teacher.
- Al Bundy: [laughs] And the school board suspended her license.
- Peggy Bundy: [laughs] Just three days before her retirement!
- Al Bundy: And her husband divorced her and left her penniless!
- Peggy Bundy: [with a toothache] Al.
- Al Bundy: Uh, Peg, please just go wait in the car. I'll be right there.
- Peggy Bundy: Promise me, Al?
- Al Bundy: Yes, I promise, Peg.
- Peggy Bundy: You swear to me, Al?
- Al Bundy: DAMN YOUR HIDE, YES, I, PROMISE! Wait in the freaking car!
- [Peg leaves]
- Al Bundy: Geez, the things that women make you say to show them you love them.