Married... with Children (TV Series)

The Egg and I (1992)

David Garrison: Steve Rhoades

Photos 

Quotes 

• Marcy : I know why you're back. You're back... for this!

  [she rips off her nightie, revealing her negligee] 

  Al : [off screen]  I'm blind! My eyes, my eyes!

  Steve : Okay, I get the message! But remember, what's good for the goose, is good for the gander. Take this to your grave!

  Steve : [rips open his shirt, showing his scrawny chest]  Take THIS to your grave!

  Peggy : [off screen]  WAAAAHH! Now I'm blind, too!

• Steve : Actually, there's another reason why I came back.

  Al : Hey, I never considered that $50 a loan, Steve.

  Steve : Not that. I came to reclaim my wife.

  [Al and the rest of the Bundys look at each other with worry] 

  Peggy : Uh... Steve, I think there's something you should know...

  Al : [interrupting]  Peg! The man has traveled many-a-mile. Let's not keep him from the bosom of his woman, where ever it may be.

• [Marcy pulls apart Steve and Jefferson fighting after meeting each other for the first time] 

  Steve : He's your husband? Were you hurt so bad when I divorced you, you'd marry "this"? Whoa, the desperation!

  Jefferson D'Arcy : This is the mighty Steve? The one you used to throw in my face? The one who, "wasn't much to look at, but at least he has a job."

  Steve : Oh, you gigolos make me sick. Just because a man divoces his wife, you can move right in and marry her. Well, I'm back. So you can pack up your hair and profile. And find another heartbroken, discarded, middle-agged woman to marry, and leave us decent folk to our happy home.

  Jefferson D'Arcy : Pardon me, Yogi. You're not welcome here. Marcy has a real man now.

  Steve : Is that right? According to my watch, it's 10:22 PM. When I was married to her, we were never sleeping at 10:22.

  Jefferson D'Arcy : She's just resting. She's been on the tilt-a-whirl since 6:00 PM.

• F.B.I. Man : [knocking on the Bundy's door]  Open up, it's the FBI.

  Steve : That could just be for me, because stealing this egg is a federal offense. Ohh, if you get any ideas, so is harboring me. If you need me I'll be in the basement.

  [Steve hides in the basement as Al opens the door; the agent flashes his badge.] 

  F.B.I. Man : Agent Mahoney, FBI. Have you seen this man?

  [shows Al the picture of Steve in a forest ranger uniform and changes it to the picture of a rare canyon hawk egg] 

  F.B.I. Man : Have you this egg? They're known to be in the area. Have you seen either of them?

  Al : Let me tell you something, I served my country. I've played high school football, four touchdowns in a single game. Yet I'm not exempt from state and federal taxes. Is this any way America should treat us heroes? No, you just flash that badge to some registered voter, buddy. We're Bundys, we *hate* Cops.