Married... with Children (TV Series)

The Harder They Fall (1989)

Ed O'Neill: Al Bundy

Photos 

Quotes 

• Al Bundy : Here's what you do. The guy's gonna knock on the door. Open the door real quick, don't give him a chance to think, and sucker punch him in the breadbasket. He'll drop like an ox. That what I should have done to Peg's mother, but she horned me first.

  [points to his ribs] 

• Steve Rhoades : Al, I am really upset with your wife.

  Al Bundy : [shrugs]  Kill her.

• Al Bundy : Hey. Tapes. Look, The Predator, Dirty Harry... Judy's Huge Date?

  Marcy Rhoades : Those are private tapes, Al.

  Al Bundy : Well, why can't we get tapes like these, Peg?

  Peggy Bundy : They're VHS, Al.

  Marcy Rhoades : Well, of course they're VHS. Only an idiot would own Beta.

  Peggy Bundy : Or someone who believes a woman's orgasm is brought on by yelling, "Come on, will ya?"

• Steve Rhoades : Uh, listen, Marcy, um, I've been thinking. We don't have the Bundys over at our house nearly enough.

  Marcy Rhoades : That's your rule, Steve. Remember the speech that began, quote, "I'd watch a colorized version of Casablanca before I let those..."

  Steve Rhoades : Yeah, I know, I know. Um... But I just think it would be a nice gesture for us to share our VHS format with our neighbors and good friends, the Bundys. Uh, what do you say, guys?

  Al Bundy : Well, pigeon is better the second day. Let's go!

  [Peggy and Al head over to the Rhoades' house] 

  Marcy Rhoades : What's this all about, Steve?

  Steve Rhoades : Nothing. I just want to spend an evening or two with good friends.

  Bud Bundy : Hey, Kel, some guy's gonna beat the tar out of Mr. Rhoades.

  Kelly Bundy : Oh, cool!

  [Bud and Kelly leaves] 

  Steve Rhoades : And... then there's that.

• Al Bundy : Oh, Peg, don't turn on the tape yet. I got to go to the can.

  [Al leaves] 

  Marcy Rhoades : Oh, no! There go our pipes!

  Steve Rhoades : I'll, uh, get the goldfish out before it's too late.

  [Steve leaves] 

  Marcy Rhoades : Get our toothbrushes, too!

  [to Peg] 

  Marcy Rhoades : Should we really be worried?

  Peggy Bundy : Yes. But I'd leave the goldfish in there. It's a good way to test the air before you attempt re-entry. We used to use parakeets, but then they learned how to talk and started screaming for help.

  Marcy Rhoades : Uh, I meant should I be worried about the man who's stalking my husband?

  Peggy Bundy : Not if you leave the bathroom door open.

• Steve Rhoades : What am I going to do, Al? I'm scared. If a second grader hurt me, what's a guy from San Quentin going to do to me?

  Al Bundy : Steve, let me tell you a little story.

  Steve Rhoades : Is it about what you did upstairs?

  Al Bundy : Uh, no. You'll learn about that soon enough. No, this is a story about fear. See, I know you look at me, you see my wife and kids, you say to yourself, "There's a man that's not afraid of anything." It's not true, Steve. I was afraid once. When I was just a kid, there was this beast. It was the scariest thing you've ever seen. We both wanted Peg, which shows that, uh, love is not only blind, it's stupid. Every time Peg and I went out, it was there. Every time I saw it, I'd run like hell, but I knew that one day we'd have to settle this thing once and for all. So one day, I got sick of running. So one day in the schoolyard, we went at it. It was long and brutal. I can't say that I won and I can't say that I lost.

  [looks at Peggy] 

  Al Bundy : Well, I definitely can't say that I won, but after that day, I was never afraid again. 'Cause I stood up to the meanest, biggest, toughest man I'd ever seen. Steve, that man was Peg's mother.

• Al Bundy : All right, so our life stinks. At least we're going to have movies. I sent your mother to Bob's Betas and Bell Bottoms in Milwaukee.

  Kelly Bundy : How come Mom can cross state lines and I can't?

  Al Bundy : Because your mom didn't go in a van with a bumper sticker that read, "Don't come a-knockin' if you see this van a-rockin'."

  Kelly Bundy : That could be taken a lot of different ways.

  Bud Bundy : And so can you.

• [Steve punches the person who's been following him] 

  Steve Rhoades : Uh-oh. Well, he's down. Uh, you wanna give me a hand here, Al?

  [Al follows Steve outside] 

  Al Bundy : This him?

  Steve Rhoades : Yep.

  [Al and Steve carry in an unconscious midget] 

  Steve Rhoades : By the way, his breadbasket isn't quite where I pictured it. He's got a tough little forehead, though.

• Steve Rhoades : Well, it's only a car, but the memory of that punch will last me a lifetime.

  Marcy Rhoades : You were so brave, Steve.

  [the Bundys laugh silently] 

  Marcy Rhoades : Ignore them. I think you proved your courage once and for all by beating up that... little man.

  Al Bundy : Yeah, just think what you could do to a second-grader now.