- Al: Your mom's the one who makes the pies for everyone in the neighborhood except those nice Bundys. Okay, Santa will leave you a pony under your tree. But if it isn't there in the morning, that means your mommy chased it away and killed it.
- Coroner: Bundy, you seem like a nice guy so I'll give you a little advice. Don't die with your jewelry on.
- Coroner: Well, that about wraps it up out there. I just have a few routine questions for my report if you don't mind. Did any of you know the diseased?
- Peggy: Well, I read about him in books. But in books, he's usually going up instead of down.
- Coroner: Okay, so that's a "no." Did anyone actually see him fall and hit the ground?
- Bud: I wish.
- Marcy: [after a sky-diving department store Santa splattered all over the Bundys' back yard, while Steve and Marcy were over, the coroners are clearing up outside; inside, Steve is pouring a large drink, while Marcy is babbling, and both are shaking] Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god...
- [Al, Peg, Kelly and Bud are all eating pizza]
- Al: Hey Peg, you know what we ought to do tomorrow? We oughta make some Christmas cookies.
- Peggy: Oh yeah, and maybe some eggnog, with nutmeg.
- Bud: Mmm!
- Steve Rhoades: You ghouls! Don't you understand, there's a splattered Santa all over your yard!
- Al: What do you want me to do Steve? Quit eating?
- Marcy: Santa's gone. I'll never be able to enjoy Christmas again.
- Kelly: Well, you're in the right place.
- Peggy: Come on Marcy, these things happen.
- Marcy: WHEN has this ever happened? A guy dressed as Santa Claus goes skydiving, his parachue doesn't open, and he lands right in your back yard?
- Peggy: Cheer up. It could have been worse. He could have landed on the picket fence.
- Kid: I wanna sit on your lap.
- Al: [Dressed as Santa] All right but make it quick. Santa has hemorrhoids.
- Al: No, no, Nestor. Despite what your mother says, Mr. Bundy doesn't sprout a tail at midnight. But, here's a special Christmas gift for Daddy: tell him to come home for lunch some day around when Mr. Mailman's there with his special delivery for Mommy. That'll be a real Yuletide treat for old dad.
- Nestor: But what do I get?
- Al: A new home, and a fresh new Mommy. Ho-ho-ho!
- Peggy: Al, get rid of those kids.
- Al: If I knew how to do that we wouldn't have ours.
- [Al opens the door and announces to the kids]
- Al: Okay everybody, boys and girls, and you Tony, Santa's okay. Now he just had a little bit of Mrs. Bundy's cooking and he's in the bathroom bent over, but he's going to be fine, so go home.
- Kid: We wanna see him!
- Al: No!
- [the kids throw snowballs at al]
- Al: Peg, I'm ashamed of you.
- Peggy: I know.
- Al: Peg! If you keep shopping at that new mall, we'll be broke and living in a cardboard box under the 'L'!
- Peggy: Not me. I can always divorce you and remarry.
- Bud: And me and Kelly will be living in a foster home.
- Kelly: Let's go shopping. Put Dad in a early grave!
- Al: Uh, family before you go, would you get old Daddy's shotgun and stand close together?
- Steve Rhoades: We donated money in your name to the National Organization for Women. Merry Christmas.
- Al: That's great. Do I get tickets to their 10K man stomp?
- Al: [Dressed as Santa] All right, but make it fast. Santa has hemorrhoids.
- [Carl sits on Santa's lap]
- Al: What do you want?
- Carl: I want to know why you came to Old-Man Bundy's House?
- Al: Oh, well I came to give him special presents because he sells women's shoes, and is cursed with a foul wife and has ungrateful kids, but still, he goes on.
- Carl: But he's a butthead.