The Mighty Boosh (TV Series)

The Priest & the Beast (2005)

Noel Fielding: Vince Noir, Spider Dijon, The Moon

Photos 

Quotes 

• Spider Dijon : Argh, my pancreas!

• Howard Moon : What the hell are you wearing?

  Vince Noir : [wearing a glitter jumpsuit]  This... is the mirror ball suit.

  Howard Moon : [sighs]  I've been up for four days trying to find our new musical direction, yeah? You're in this band as well! What have you been doing?

  Vince Noir : I do the costumes, you do the music. That's the agreement. And this, my friend, represents a major breakthrough on the sewing machine.

  Howard Moon : I'm not wearing that on stage.

  Vince Noir : I knew you'd say that. That's why I've made you...

  [pulls out brown jumpsuit] 

  Vince Noir : the tweed version! I call it the library suit. See this pocket? That's for your library card. See this pouch? Loose change, in case you've got any fines!

  Howard Moon : ...That's pretty good, actually.

• Spider Dijon : Your wife told me everything. She told me of your affair.

  Rudy Van Disarzio : I was a good husband!

  Spider Dijon : Then why did she come home from work one day, huh, to find you with your guitar?

  Rudy Van Disarzio : [flustered]  That was a misunderstanding. I was... naked, it was dark, I was changing a string, I became entangled!

  Spider Dijon : You expect me to believe this?

  Rudy Van Disarzio : Is it so wrong for a man to love a guitar?

  Spider Dijon : Yes it is if he PUTS HIS BALLS INSIDE IT AND STRUMS HIMSELF TO ECSTASY!

• Spider Dijon : If you want to say something, speak the plain English. Don't run around the house in a little car.

• Spider Dijon : Rudy, you ought to get that door in your head checked out. It's letting in all sorts of mambo jimbo.

• Spider Dijon : You keep trying to mold me into something I'm not! Well, you cannot make milk into cheese!

  Rudy Van Disarzio : Yes, you can.

  Spider Dijon : Bad example!

• Spider Dijon : This is all like Woodstock all over again. The idea is you play, and then you scram; but oh, no, you wouldn't listen, would you? You wanted to hang around, didn't you? And then we got loped into tidying up! You, me and Carlos Santana; hoovering for six weeks!

  Rudy Van Disarzio : Somebody had to clean up that mess.

  Spider Dijon : We should have just split like The Who. They were off in a shot. I didn't see Roger Daltrey in no flipping apron.

  Rudy Van Disarzio : They are selfish men. What goes around, comes around.

  Spider Dijon : What do you mean by this?

  Rudy Van Disarzio : Well, maybe one day, Daltrey will do the hoovering.

  Spider Dijon : You're absurd. Daltrey doesn't hoover for no one. He is his own man!

• Spider Dijon : Now I'm going to rewind you-like the bitch you are!

• [Howard and Vince have a meeting with a record executive] 

  Vince Noir : You better start getting the magic potions out, Mowgli, or we're gonna hurt you.

  Naboo : All right, calm down.

  [he hands them each a glass of yellow liquid] 

  Naboo : This is Liquid Music. It'll turn you into musical geniuses.

  Howard Moon : What is this?

  Naboo : It's the tears of Mozart...

  [they both drink it down] 

  Naboo : ...mixed with the urine of Mark Knopfler.

  [Howard and Vince make a face] 

  Howard Moon : How long does it last?

  Naboo : Three hours. Quick, run! Play like you've never played before!

  [they leave fast] 

  Bollo : You are truly wise, Naboo. Do you think with magic potion they will get record deal?

  Naboo : I doubt it - that was just Lucozade.

• Howard Moon : I've had a breakthrough. I think I found a new note in between B and C. I always knew it was there. I'm gonna call it Howard's Note.

  Vince Noir : Wow.

  Howard Moon : I'll tell you how it works, right? I took a note, sawtooth wave, right off this pantomime four, ran it back here, re-jammed it through itself, looped it back, mixed it with the sound of this crab committing suicide, and let it stew in its own reverb for about three hours, right? And then I pump it all out through this shoe, to give it that oaky timbre.

  Vince Noir : Cool! Let's hear it, then.

• Vince Noir : [singing]  Cyborg Patrick, tell me what you dream / Clockwork Margaret, skating on my mouse mat / In your tiny circuit boots, shoes of the future!

  Howard Moon : Trousers of the past!

• Spider Dijon : Your wife was not just free with me. She was free with everyone.

  Rudy Van Disarzio : My wife was like all women: strange... and evil!

• Spider Dijon : [referring to Betamax's wife]  She was one hot piece of tape. When we made love, it was for sixty minutes... and sometimes, one hundred and eighty!

• Spider Dijon : [out in the desert]  Eh, this place is bullshit. Where are the bars and the women?

  Rudy Van Disarzio : This is a place free of those distractions. Here it is written that a musician may find... The New Sound.

  Spider Dijon : What's it look like, this New Sound?

  Rudy Van Disarzio : It doesn't look like anything. It is a sound.