- Vince Noir: Seriously though, you should check out my icy wardrobe.
- Howard Moon: What, the human Coke can?
- Vince Noir: This is the glam rock ski suit!
- Howard Moon: The arctic is no respector of fashion, Vince. You know, never take the tundra lightly. It can drive a man insane. You know what it is about this place, that can get to a man?
- Vince Noir: Not really.
- Howard Moon: Have a look through there, what do you see?
- Vince Noir: [looks through binoculars] Nothing.
- Howard Moon: Exactly. It's the nothingness... the whiteness... the endless... ness. Stretching on beyond the human imagination. Desolation of the soul. Oh my Gooooooooooood!
- [raps]
- Howard Moon: Ice floe, nowhere to go / Ice floe, nowhere to go / Lost in the blinding whiteness of the tundraaaaaa / Check him out.
- [Vince dances]
- Howard Moon: They call him the shrew! Arms in short, then with the claw!
- Vince Noir: I'm little Johnny Frostbite, moving around / Freezing you up, freezing you down / Like an icicle / Coming in your tent in the pink light, scissorbite/
- Vince Noir, Howard Moon: Arctic death!
- Vince Noir: Infinite night!
- Howard Moon: Call me Tundra Boy / Cause I move like an arctic
- Vince Noir, Howard Moon: Lizard!
- Howard Moon: When the blizzard strikes / I disappear like a pipe dream
- Vince Noir, Howard Moon: All that's left is the gleam!
- Howard Moon: On a tent peg
- Vince Noir, Howard Moon: Boosh, Boosh / Stronger than a moose / Don't lock your door or we'll come through your rooftop / Stop, look around, take your mind off the floor / Cause the Boosh is loose / And we're a little bit raaaaw! /Ice floe, nowhere to go / Ice floe, nowhere to go / Lost in the blinding whiteness of the tundraaaa!
- Howard Moon: ...yeah?
- Vince Noir: All right! You proved your point, in song format!
- Howard Moon: Yeah, well maybe you'll take this place a bit more seriously now.
- [gets hit in the face with a snowball]
- Dixon Bainbridge: Naboo, are you in some shamanistic trance?
- Naboo: No, I'm listening to Fleetwood Mac.
- Howard Moon: Imagine the headlines. "Howard Moon"-colon- "Explorer." It's got a ring to it, hasn't it?
- Vince Noir: Colon explorer?
- Howard Moon: You know what I'm saying.
- Vince Noir: I think that's got the wrong ring to it.
- Howard Moon: Day 12... Vince dead. All is lost. So alone... Wind my only friend...
- Wind: [gusty whisper] I hate youuuuu...
- Howard Moon: Shut up Wind!
- Howard Moon: [about Bainbridge] What's he got that I haven't got?
- Vince Noir: A moustache.
- Howard Moon: What do you think this is I've got going on here?
- Vince Noir: [laughing] As if that's a moustache. That's a cappuccino stain.
- Howard Moon: How dare you? This is at least a mocha, OK? Don't be mockin' my mocha.
- Howard Moon: Vince, this is difficult for me, but I feel as though I should say this. I love you, Vince.
- Vince Noir: [Tries to stifle his laughter]
- Howard Moon: What are you doing?
- Vince Noir: [laughing quietly] Nothing.
- Howard Moon: Are you laughing?
- Vince Noir: No.
- Howard Moon: You better not be laughing at me now.
- Vince Noir: [ontinues to laugh]
- Howard Moon: I'm telling you I love you. How dare you laugh at me.
- Vince Noir: You make me laugh.
- Howard Moon: That is so humiliating.
- Vince Noir: You just caught me off guard.
- Howard Moon: Really.
- Vince Noir: Yeah, it was out of the blue.
- Howard Moon: Well, I'm telling you I love you, and you're laughing at me.
- Vince Noir: Well, I love you.
- Howard Moon: You don't love me.
- Vince Noir: I do.
- Howard Moon: You're just saying that because I said it to you. It doesn't work. It doesn't mean anything.
- Vince Noir: No, I love you.
- Howard Moon: No, you don't.
- Vince Noir: Come on, Howard, let's go, the egg's not 'round here.
- Howard Moon: Stop tugging me mink! I'm not going anywhere. The egg is around here, I can sense it.
- Vince Noir: Did you say mink? That's not very P.C. it? You're supposed to be a zookeeper.
- Howard Moon: This is the arctic, Vince. Different rules apply out here, you know? It's kill or be killed.
- Vince Noir: What, by a mink?
- Howard Moon: They get very big out here, the mink.
- [gesturing at floor-length mink coat]
- Howard Moon: This is just one mink, this whole outfit. It's true.
- Vince Noir: No way! I read a pamphlet.
- Howard Moon: So? I once looked at a hedge. What's your point?
- Vince Noir: It was a mink pamphlet. "Minky Monthly". There were loads of them on the front. It said in there that it takes about ninety mink to make a small ladies' glove.
- Howard Moon: That's 'cause they're really crap at sewing.
- Parka Creature: [a small, mysterious entity concealed in a parka approaches Howard]
- [in a deep,booming voice]
- Parka Creature: Look deep into the parka.
- Howard Moon: What?
- Parka Creature: Look deep into the parka. There are many things in here, things you could never dream of.
- Howard Moon: Like what?
- Parka Creature: Rubies.
- Howard Moon: I've dreamt of rubies.
- Parka Creature: Lesbian ham.
- Howard Moon: I'm not interested in your stupid dreams.
- Vince Noir: But actually, I better go and look for Howard, I'm a bit worried about him, so um... but, you know, I've had a really good time and uh, it's been great and, uh, I'll probably see you around, yeah?
- Polar Bear: Hold Me.
- Vince Noir: What?
- Polar Bear: [cheerlessly] Nothing.
- Vince Noir: Did you say 'Hold me'?
- Polar Bear: [in same despondent tenor] No.
- Vince Noir: [pauses. Twiddles fingers uneasily, then sits down beside Polar Bear and gingerly puts arm around him]
- Howard Moon: [into tape recorder] Howard Moon's journal, day four. Many men have searched for the egg of Mantumbi. Many have failed. One man shall succeed. And I, Howard Moon, shall be that man.
- Howard Moon: [gets hit in the face with snowball]
- Vince Noir: [laughs]
- Howard Moon: Stop doing that!
- Vince Noir: What?
- Howard Moon: It's not funny.
- Vince Noir: It's hilarious!
- Howard Moon: It isn't, okay? Do it again, and I'll come at you like a buzzard.
- Vince Noir: Come on, Howard, let's go, the egg's not 'round here.
- Howard Moon: Stop tugging me mink! I'm not going anywhere. The egg is around here, I can sense it.
- Vince Noir: Did you say mink?
- Howard Moon: Yeah.
- Vince Noir: That's not very P.C, is it? You're supposed to be a zookeeper!
- Howard Moon: This is the arctic, Vince. Different rules apply out here, you know? It's kill or be killed.
- Vince Noir: What, by a mink?
- Howard Moon: ...They get very big out here, the mink. This is just one mink, this whole outfit. It's true.
- Vince Noir: No way.
- Howard Moon: It's true!
- Vince Noir: No way! I read a pamphlet!
- Howard Moon: So? I once looked at a hedge. What's your point?
- Vince Noir: It was a mink pamphlet. Minky Monthly. There were loads of 'em on the front. Said in there, it takes about ninety mink to make a small ladies' glove.
- Howard Moon: That's because they're really crap at sewing.
- Vince Noir: [Vince laughs]
- Howard Moon: You like that?
- Vince Noir: That's quite good, yeah.
- Dixon Bainbridge: I don't like to finish on a downer. Here's a song: Turn around. Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round. Turn around. Every now and then I get a little bit worried that the best of all my years have gone by.
- Dixon Bainbridge and Bob Fossil: [Bob Fossil starts dancing] And I need you now tonight! And I need you more than ever! And if you only hold me tight! We'll be holding on forever! And we'll only be making it right...
- [Howard and Vince are tied up back to back in an arctic cave, waiting to be sacrificed]
- Howard Moon: This is difficult for me, but I feel as though I should say this... I love you, Vince.
- [Vince smirks, then tries to stifle giggles]
- Howard Moon: What you doin'?
- Vince Noir: [Giggling] Nothing.
- Howard Moon: Are you laughing?
- Vince Noir: [laughing] No...
- Howard Moon: [Over Vince's laughter] You better not be laughing at me... now.
- [still over the laughter]
- Howard Moon: I'm telling you I love you.
- Vince Noir: [Giggles] It makes me laugh.
- [giggling]
- Howard Moon: That is so humiliating.
- Vince Noir: You just got me off guard.
- [smirking]
- Howard Moon: Really.
- Vince Noir: Yeah, it was out of the blue.
- Howard Moon: I'm telling you I love you, and you're laughing at me.
- Vince Noir: Well, I love you.
- Howard Moon: You don't love me.
- Vince Noir: I do!
- Howard Moon: You're just saying you love me because I said it to you. It doesn't work. It doesn't mean anything.
- Vince Noir: [grinning] No, I love you!
- Howard Moon: No, you don't.
- Dixon Bainbridge: [Stepping into view] What a touching scene...