- Donald MacDonald: Tofu? Some kind of oriental fish?
- Ewan Brodie: Condensed bean curd.
- Donald MacDonald: Things are worse than I thought. Not only is my ancestral home being turned into a glorified bed and breakfast establishment, they are serving bean turd.
- Ewan Brodie: Curd!
- Donald MacDonald: Where will it end? Obese Americans gee-whizzing in the family silver? A gift shop? Please God, don't let there be a gift shop!
- Iona MacLean: [Iona uncovers an old painting] Who's this?
- Molly MacDonald: The 8th Laird of Glenbogle. Tried to form an alliance with the English.
- Iona MacLean: What happened to him?
- Molly MacDonald: Well first he was hung, drawn and quartered, then they dragged his body around the estate with wild horses, and finally they just fed him to the wolves.
- Iona MacLean: Charming.
- Molly MacDonald: He wasn't a very nice man.
- Donald MacDonald: To paraphrase an old drinking chum of mine, "ask not what Glenbogle can do for you, ask what you can do for Glenbogle".
- Donald MacDonald: I once had a friend who was a woman.
- Ewan Brodie: What happened?
- Donald MacDonald: We got married. It was a very brief affair. 36 hours if I remember correctly. The worst day and a half of my life.
- Ewan Brodie: Is this more advice or just a trip down memory lane?
- Donald MacDonald: Oh, I never give advice. Useless! A wise man doesn't need it and a fool won't take it.