- [Lt. Disher enters Capt. Stottlemeyer's office]
- Capt. Stottlemeyer: Lieutenant, why am I fielding calls about zoning regulations? Aren't you supposed to be protecting the quarterback?
- Disher: Your wife's here.
- Capt. Stottlemeyer: Okay... stall her.
- Disher: How?
- Capt. Stottlemeyer: I need a few minutes, just talk to her.
- Disher: Well, what does she like to talk about?
- Capt. Stottlemeyer: ...How I ruined her life.
- [while Disher stalls Karen, Stottlemeyer hurriedly stashes away his cigars, his pistol, and his stuffed duck, hangs a Native American dreamcatcher on his desk lamp, and finally sets up a miniature waterfall. Without any water to run it with, he fills it with coffee from a pot. Later, after Karen enters:]
- Karen Stottlemeyer: You like the waterfall?
- Capt. Stottlemeyer: Yes.
- Karen Stottlemeyer: It's calming you down?
- Karen Stottlemeyer: Yep.
- Karen Stottlemeyer: [notices] Is that coffee?
- Capt. Stottlemeyer: It's a "Coffeefall".
- Capt. Stottlemeyer: [speaking on cell phone to wife] Sweetheart? I'm going to strangle Monk, and then I'll call you right back.
- [Monk jumps onto a table to avoid a snake]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I thought you were afraid of heights.
- Adrian Monk: Snakes trump heights. It goes germs, needles, milk, *death*, snakes, mushrooms, heights, crowds, elevators...
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Okay, okay, I don't need the entire list.
- Adrian Monk: What time are you going to be home?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What?
- Adrian Monk: I said, what time are you going to be home?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't know. Why?
- Adrian Monk: Well, I was thinking of making a pot roast for dinner. But I need at least an hour's warning.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't know, Monk, I'll call you.
- Adrian Monk: Don't forget.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I won't forget.
- Adrian Monk: That's what you said last night.
- [Sharona and Randy snicker]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Shut up.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't mind living in your shadow, Monk, you're a freak of nature.
- Adrian Monk: Thank you.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, I'm going to say something I've wanted to say for a long time.
- Adrian Monk: What is it?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I just solved the case.
- [entering George Rowe's house, Monk starts to straighten things up]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, don't touch anything. This isn't our house.
- [pause]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Jesus, did I just say "our house"?
- Disher: [presenting an idea to Stottlemeyer] Enrico Palamo - he was Italian. He collected yarn. He made the world's biggest ball of yarn. He was murdered three years ago, still unsolved.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well maybe the world's biggest kitty cat did that.
- Disher: I think we might have a serial killer on our hands.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh my God.
- Disher: Somebody is killing record holders.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You think we ought to warn the fat twins on the motorcycles? Or maybe we ought to put up a 24 hour guard on the guy with the beard of bees?
- Disher: I can never tell when you are being sarcastic.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I'm being sarcastic, Randy! Get the book out of here!
- Disher: Yes, sir.
- Stottlemeyer: [Monk and Stottlemeyer are examining an apartment. Monk notices a snake is missing from is missing from a cage and jumps onto a table in fear] Why don't you wait outside?
- Adrian Monk: [quietly] Carry me.
- Stottlemeyer: What?
- Adrian Monk: Carry me. Please?
- Stottlemeyer: No! Monk, I'm not gonna carry you!
- Adrian Monk: Okay. I'll stay here. I'm fine. Can I have your gun?
- Stottlemeyer: No. Not unless you plan on using it on yourself.
- Adrian Monk: Maybe I will.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, I'm going to say something I've wanted to say for a long time. I just solved the case.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Know where I was today? I was at the Leveroni grave site. You remember that case?
- Adrian Monk: Yeah, I think so... it was a hit-and-run, wasn't it?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Valedictorian, 19 years old, killed two blocks from his house. I always thought somebody would come forward.
- Adrian Monk: Yeah, me too.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I mean, how can you live with yourself? You gotta tell someone.
- Adrian Monk: The urge to confess...
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's the cop's best friend.
- [after the time capsule is opened]
- Adrian Monk: Captain, I think you should read this.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [reading] "On December 7, 1998, I killed Darren Leveroni with my car. May God forgive me, because I will never forgive myself. Signed, Dennis Gammill."
- [breathing heavily]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The urge to confess...
- Adrian Monk: It's the cop's best friend.
- [Stottlemeyer waits at the cemetery while Miles Holling is being exhumed]
- Gravedigger: Captain? We're ready over here?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, just a minute.
- [the gravedigger joins him and sees the tombstone: Darren Leveroni]
- Gravedigger: I remember that one. It was a hit-and-run, wasn't it?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, nineteen years old. I spoke to his parents. He'd been accepted to Princeton.
- Gravedigger: I dug the grave myself. The ground was all hard that day. It was like the earth didn't want him. Did they ever catch the son-of-a-bitch who did it?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, I never did.
- Gravedigger: It was your case?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Still is.
- [lays a hand on the stone]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Still is.
- Karen Stottlemeyer: [5:09] Oh! The waterfall! How do you like it?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's great. I love it. Thank you for getting it.
- Karen Stottlemeyer: Is it calming you down?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yes.
- Karen Stottlemeyer: Is that coffee?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yes. Yes it is. It's a coffeefall.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: First thing tomorrow, I am calling the Vatican, and I am nominating your late wife, Trudy, for sainthood! Because you are *impossible*!
- Adrian Monk: The lines! They're all... diagonal! I have to live here!
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Forget about the rug! This is not about the rug! You know what you are? Do you know what you are? You're the world's best marriage counselor! You could save every marriage in California! All people would have to do is live with you for two days! Two days, and they'd never complain about their spouse again!