- DJ-69: Take a seat please. To preclude the variable factor inherent in the human equation, we have instituted this new electronic personnel procedure requiring... Your name, please.
- Peter: What?
- DJ-69: Thank you. Last name: What. And your first name, Mr. What?
- Peter: N - It's not 'What'.
- DJ-69: Notwhat. Mr. Notwhat What.
- Peter: Wait a minute, that's not my name at all. My name is...
- DJ-69: [interrupting] Occupation?
- Peter: ...Peter, ya dig? Pete.
- DJ-69: You dig peat. Occupation: Peat Digger. And your mother's maiden name?
- Peter: Thompson.
- DJ-69: Mother's name: Thompson. Sex, please?
- Peter: Female, of course.
- DJ-69: All right, Mrs. Notwhat.
- Peter: No, my *mother* is female.
- DJ-69: What do you do in your spare time, Mrs. Notwhat?
- Peter: Listen, I'm a man!
- DJ-69: In your spare time, you are a man.
- Peter: Oh no, no, that's not it at all. You've - First of all, you've got my name wrong.
- DJ-69: Correction: Name misspelled. Please give correct letter.
- Peter: Well, I...
- DJ-69: [interrupting] Correct letter is 'I'. Name is not Notwhat, but Nitwit.
- Peter: Oh, brother...
- DJ-69: Brother is also a Nitwit.
- Peter: Now, just a minute!
- DJ-69: That will do, Nitwit. Test complete. Interview ended. Application rejected.
- [a dismissive bell sounds]
- Peter: Give me a chance.
- Secretary: [door to interview chamber opens] I'm sorry, you're rejected.
- Peter: Why do I have to talk to a machine? Why couldn't I talk to a human being?
- DJ-69: Because, Nitwit, a machine avoids the human error, the human error, the human errroorrrrr...
- [machine runs down]
- [Mike exacts revenge on the DJ-61 interviewing computer:]
- DJ-69: What is your name?
- Mike: [rushing the machine] Nesmith! What's yours?
- DJ-69: What?
- Mike: Thank you, Mr. What. And what's your first name?
- DJ-69: It's not 'What'.
- Mike: Mr. Notwhat What. And what is your occupation?
- DJ-69: Name is not 'Notwhat'! I am computer DJ-61!
- Mike: Oh, you're a DJ! Look, I'll bet you've got a great record collection.
- [computer starts to overload]
- Mike: Now tell me about your mother and father.
- DJ-69: My mother was a duplicating machine...
- Mike: Sex?
- [smoke and disturbing noises issue from DJ-61]
- Mike: Oh, I'll bet you're a real swinger when you're turned on.
- [low groan]
- Mike: Dirty old man...
- DJ-69: Wait! I am not programmed for these questions!
- Mike: Oh, you want a different program? Well, let - Okay, um...
- [starts stabbing buttons at random. DJ-61 crashes amid smoke, flying punched cards, and a shower of sparks]
- Micky: A Toy Factory, needs unskilled help, in non essential job requiring no experience and no training.
- Mike: Hey Peter, you don't have any training, and you sure don't have any experience. You're the only one qualified.
- Micky: Probably the only one in the city with those qualifications. At least the only one that can read the ad.
- Peter: Just think, they put an ad in the paper to reach me.
- Mike: That's right.
- Peter: Why didn't they phone?