Micky: [immitating W.C. Fields] Here we are in the land of make-belief. Look at that rock, it's a phoney rock. Look at that fish, it's a phoney fish. Look at that girl... Oh yeah!
Philo: I want you to meet Luthor Kramm. Mr. Kramm gave you "Beach Party Honeymoon".
Peter: You didn't give it to us! We had to PAY for it!
Mike: Yeah! It cost us eighty cents at the drive-in!
Kramm: Well it was worth it, wasn't it?
Mike: Um... you owe us sixty cents.
Kramm: Today we begin shooting my greatest film: 'I married a creature from out of town'. It's a message picture. And the message is: If we don't finish it in ten days, we're in trouble.
Kramm: Now, let's make a picture that teenagers will watch... even in a drive-in.
Frankie Catalina: I knew you resented me, but I never knew you'd go this far. Ruining the film and my beautiful million dollar image!
Kramm: Frankie, you're overwrought.
Frankie Catalina: Oh yeah? Well, I don't have to put up with it. I'm walking out of my contract! I can do a mystery at Mammoth studios
Philo: Mamoth Studios has been out of business for years!
Kramm: That must be the mystery.
Micky: [posing as newspaper men] Dolenz, reporter.
Mike: Nesmith, Variety.
Peter: I'm Tork, hanger-on.
Mike: You know what I've always wanted to do? Was get a Rolls Royce, and put little bitty tires on the front, and big slicks on the back, and put a pickup bed in the the trunk, and all paint you know and stuff like that, and take the hood off of it an' everything, paint a name on the back of it...
Interviewer: And drive where?
Mike: Drive where? Drive no place, drive it out on the freeway and give it a flat tire and stand there scratching your head.
Micky: [Dressed like Hamlet, carrying a skull] No longer shall we suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous Catalina. On the morrow, we will show that popinjay he doth abuse The Monkees at his own peril.
Davy: What does that mean?
Micky: It means the Monkees strike back!
Philo: [picks up the phone in the projection room] Eh, foll the rilm. eh, Roll the film.
Peter: Well, what do you want? I've offered you my Lovin' Spoonfull collection, my Bobby Dillon records, my Blind Lemmon Jefferson records and this prize of my collection: Bobby Darrin sings his bankbook.
Mike: Throw in the Stones.
[Mike hands over his David Jones LP]
Micky: [as DJ Crazy Micky The D] And now, gang, it's the number one hit in America and the free world. It's the super a go go pick hit of the week
Micky: [using a soup can to creat an echo effect] Week, week, week. It's Davy Jones singing: It's been lonesome in the saddle since my horse died.