- Mrs. #1: Well, what's on the television then?
- Mrs. #2: Looks like a penguin.
- Mrs. #1: No no no no, I didn't mean what's on the television set, I meant what program...
- Mrs. #2: Oh
- [goes over and turns the set on, sits back down]
- Mrs. #2: Funny that penguin being there, isn't it. What's it doing there?
- Mrs. #1: Standin'!
- Mrs. #2: I can see that!
- Mrs. #1: If it lays an egg, it will fall down the back of the television set.
- Mrs. #2: We'll have to watch that... Unless it's a male.
- Mrs. #1: Whew, I never thought of that.
- Mrs. #2: Yes. It looks fairly butch.
- Mrs. #1: Per'aps it comes from next door.
- Mrs. #2: [yelling] PENGUINS DON'T COME FROM NEXT DOOR, THEY COME FROM THE ANTARCTIC!
- Mrs. #1: [even louder] BURMA!
- [they both stop short, looking around]
- Mrs. #2: Why'd you say Burma?
- Mrs. #1: I panicked.
- Mrs. #2: Oh. Per'aps it's from the zoo.
- Mrs. #1: Which zoo?
- Mrs. #2: [angrily] How should I know which zoo, I'm not Doctor bloody Bernofsky!
- Mrs. #1: 'ow does Doctor Bernofsky know what zoo it came from?
- Mrs. #2: He knows everything.
- Mrs. #1: Oooh, I wouldn't like that, it would take the mystery out of life... Anyway, if came from the zoo, it'd have "property of the zoo" stamped on it.
- Mrs. #2: No it wouldn't! They don't stamp animals "property of the zoo"! You couldn't stamp a huge lion!
- Mrs. #1: [confidently] They stamp them when they're small.
- Fourth Bruce: Michael Baldwin, this is Bruce. Michael Balwin, this is Bruce. And Michael Baldwin, this is Bruce.
- First Bruce: Is your name not Bruce, then?
- Michael Balwin: No, it's Michael.
- Second Bruce: That's gonna cause a little confusion.
- Third Bruce: Yeah. Mind of we call you Bruce, just to keep it clear?
- Voice-over: [and animated title] How to Recognize Different Parts of the Body.
- [the Monty Python foot steps on the ground]
- Voice-over: [with superimposed arrow pointing at foot] Number one - the foot.
- [Cut to statue of Venus]
- Voice-over: [with superimposed arrow pointing at shoulder] Number two - the shoulder.
- [Cut to a picture of the same Monty Python foot being used as a cigarette ashtray]
- Voice-over: [with superimposed arrow pointing at foot] Number three - the *other* foot.
- [Cut to side profile of unknown person]
- Voice-over: [with superimposed arrow pointing at nose] Number four - the bridge of the nose.
- [Cut to picture of man wearing nothing but Bermuda shorts]
- Voice-over: [with superimposed arrow pointing at shorts] Number five - the naughty bits.
- [Cut to picture of arm bending]
- Voice-over: [with superimposed arrow pointing at elbow] Number six - just above the elbow.
- [Cut to close-up of another man wearing same Bermuda shorts]
- Voice-over: [with superimposed arrow pointing at middle of shorts] Number seven - two inches to the right of a *very* naughty bit indeed.
- [Cut to shot of a knee of one of the characters in the next sketch]
- Voice-over: [with superimposed arrow pointing at knee] Number eight - the kneecap.
- Fourth Bruce: Well, gentlemen, I'll just remind you of the faculty rules. Rule one: No pooftahs. Rule two: No member of the faculty is to maltreat the Abbos in any way whatsoever, if there's anyone watching. Rule three: No pooftahs. Rule four: I don't want to catch anyone not drinking in their rooms after lights out. Rule five: No pooftahs. Rule six: There is NO rule six. Rule seven: No pooftahs.
- [close-up of one of the Bruces' ears]
- Voice-over: [with superimposed arrow pointing at ear] Number nine - the ear.
- [cut to picture of big toe]
- Voice-over: [with superimposed arrow pointing at big toe] Number ten - the big toe.
- [cut to picture of another man wearing Bermuda shorts]
- Voice-over: [with superimposed arrow pointing at shorts] Number eleven - more naughty bits.
- [cut to full-length shot of a lady in Bermuda shorts and Bermuda bra]
- Voice-over: [with superimposed arrow on each side of her body, one pointing at the bra, one pointing at the shorts] Number twelve - the naughty bits of a lady.
- [cut to picture of a horse wearing Bermuda shorts]
- Voice-over: [with superimposed arrow pointing at shorts] Number thirteen - the naughty bits of a horse.
- [cut to picture of a tiny ant]
- Voice-over: [with superimposed enormous arrow pointing at ant] Number fourteen - the naughty bits of an ant.
- [cut to picture of Reginald Maudling with Bermuda shorts placed over his suit]
- Voice-over: [with superimposed arrow pointing at shorts] Number fifteen - the naughty bits of Reginald Maudling.
- [cut to close-up of a false hand sticking out of a sleeve]
- Voice-over: [with superimposed arrow pointing at false hand] Number sixteen - the hand.
- The Announcer: [while stroking a pig] And so on and so on and so on. And now...
- [Cut to picture of Pope Paul VI]
- Voice-over: [with superimposed arrow pointing above the head] Number seventeen - the top of the head.
- [Cut to picture of a waist with a feather sticking out]
- Voice-over: [with superimposed arrow pointing at feather] Number eighteen - the feather... rare.
- [Cut to profile of Raymond Luxury-Yacht, from next sketch, who has an enormous false polystyrene nose]
- Voice-over: [with superimposed arrow pointing at false nose] Number nineteen - the nose.
- [Animation of a racing car moving over a naked lady, passing a sign saying "Pit Stop". Close-up of armpits. Superimposed little white arow]
- Voice-over: Number twenty - the armpits.
- [Cut to picture of the back of a person]
- Voice-over: [with superimposed arrow pointing at the back of the neck] Number twenty-one - the bottom two thirds of the nape of the neck.
- [Cut to close-up of an old-fashioned radio]
- Voice-over: Number twenty-two - the nipple.
- [Superimposed arrow points at the tuning dial]
- [as Inspector Zatapathique exhaustively bows, a superimposed arrow points at his bottom]
- Voice-over: Number thirty-one - the end.
- [Cut to caption THE END]
- Third Bruce: Blimey, it's hot in here, Bruce.
- First Bruce: Hot enough to boil a monkey's bum.
- Second Bruce: That's a strange expression, Bruce.
- First Bruce: Well, Bruce, I heard the Prime Minister use it. "It's hot enough to boil a monkey's bum in here, Your Majesty," he said.
- [after a penguin explodes on the TV set]
- First Pepperpot: [referring to the TV Announcer] How did he know that was going to happen?
- TV Announcer: It was an inspired guess. And now...
- [Cut to picture of shin]
- Voice-over: [with superimposed arrow pointing at shin] Number twenty-three - the shin.
- [Cut to picture of Reginald Maudling]
- Voice-over: [with superimposed arrow pointing at shin] Number twenty-four - Reginald Maudling's shin.
- [Cut to an open-head picture]
- Voice-over: [with superimposed arrow pointing at brain] Number twenty-five - the brain.
- [Cut to picture of Margaret Thatcher]
- Voice-over: Number twenty-six - Margaret Thatcher's brain.
- [Superimposed arrow points at Margaret Thatcher's knee]
- Voice-over: [Cut to a fairly wide still picture of cricket match in progress. Batsman, bowler, ring of fielders all have polka-dotted Bermuda shorts. Little arrows point to each pair of Bermuda shorts]
- Voice-over: Number twenty-seven - more naughty bits.
- [Cut to picture of the cabinet at a table. Arrows point down below the table to their naughty bits]
- Voice-over: Number twenty-eight - the naughty bits of the Cabinet.
- [Cut to studio shot of the next set]
- Voice-over: [with superimposed arrow pointing from the top] Number twenty-nine - the interior of a country house.
- Interviewer: Next week we'll be showing you how to pick up an architect, how to pull a Prime Minister, and how to have fun with a wholesale poulterer.