The Muppet Show (TV Series)

Zero Mostel (1977)

Frank Oz: Miss Piggy, Sam the Eagle, Fozzie Bear, Animal, Whatnot Dancers

Quotes 

• Sam the Eagle : Excuse me, Mr. Mostel.

  Zero Mostel : Yes?

  Sam the Eagle : I am Sam the Eagle.

  Zero Mostel : I am glad to know you.

  Sam the Eagle : Yes, glad to know you. I am the upholder of decency and dignity for this show.

  Zero Mostel : Are you really?

  Sam the Eagle : Yes.

  [behind Sam, Zero mocks him, though Sam doesn't know it] 

  Sam the Eagle : I believe this program is trivial and not fit for family viewing.

  [looks behind him and sees Zero not mocking him anymore] 

  Sam the Eagle : It is disgracefully lacking in culture.

  Zero Mostel : [mockingly]  It is disgracefully lacking in culture.

  Sam the Eagle : Hmm, I'm glad you agree with me. Yes.

  [Zero takes a hammer and raises it over Sam's head] 

  Sam the Eagle : I personally have always felt that this program...

  [looks at Zero again, who drops hammer behind] 

  Sam the Eagle : ... must... must, I say, be cleansed of all nonsense...

  [Zero now takes a gun and aims it at Sam] 

  Sam the Eagle : ... and silliness!

  [looks at Zero once more, who puts gun in his own mouth] 

  Sam the Eagle : Don't you agree with me, sir?

  Zero Mostel : [taking a glass of water and pouring it out]  Of course! It must be cleansed!

  Sam the Eagle : Now, it seems to me that you and I...

  [behind Sam, Zero continues to mock him] 

  Sam the Eagle : ... think alike.

  [looks at Zero again, who stops mocking him] 

  Sam the Eagle : True?

  Zero Mostel : True.

  Sam the Eagle : A pleasure talking to you, sir. A man of dignity.

  [walks off] 

  Zero Mostel : [mockingly]  Dignity! Always dignity! Dignity, dignity!

  [mimics squawking like an eagle] 

• Sam the Eagle : I want to know who is going to be on tonight's show.

  Kermit the Frog : Oh, well, let's see. Uh... tonight's show is very classy, it's very highbrow. You'll like this show.

  Sam the Eagle : Oh. Good. Yes, yes. Tell me more.

  Kermit the Frog : Uh, well, let's see, we got, uh... Fozzie is doing a pantomime with Zero Mostel. We've got a musical number.

  Sam the Eagle : Good, good.

  Kermit the Frog : With Zoot and Rowlf. And of course we've got... Uh, we've got the lady... uh... the lady wrestlers.

  Sam the Eagle : What?

  Kermit the Frog : Uh, oh, nothing, Sam. It's just, uh, we got some lady... lady... lady... wrest... Uh, stand by for the pantomime number.

  Sam the Eagle : Lady what?

  Kermit the Frog : [nervously]  Uh... lady wrestlers.

  Sam the Eagle : Wrest what?

  Kermit the Frog : Lers.

  Sam the Eagle : Lady wrestlers? Lady wrestlers!

  Kermit the Frog : You don't understand...

  Sam the Eagle : Have we no shame? Ugh. Kermit, something, something must be done here.

• Kermit the Frog : Okay, ladies and gentlemen, Chopin's Polonaise in A Flat, as performed by... Dr. Teeth?

  Sam the Eagle : What.

• Sam the Eagle : I think you know why I am here.

  Kermit the Frog : Uh, actually, Sam, to tell you the truth, I've never known why you're here.