My Family (TV Series)

'Tis Pity She's a Whore (2001)

Robert Lindsay: Ben Harper

Quotes 

• Ben Harper : I mean, if a bus hits me today, what's my obituary going to say?

  Nick Harper : 'Ben Harper - didn't look both ways'.

• Ben Harper : For four generations, we had the fifth-biggest haberdasher in Derby.

  Nick Harper : [Indifferently]  Wow. Why are these photos all the same?

  Ben Harper : They're not the same! Look... look at this. In this one, your uncle Harold is wearing a tie in a traditional Windsor knot. And in this one, look, he's wearing the Cavendish. Heh! And in - oh, look at this! This is the joker of the family, uncle Charlie!

  Nick Harper : He looks just like uncle Harold.

  Ben Harper : No, no, no, no! He's not! He's wearing the Reverse Plattsbrugh, yeah? Can't you see? Hahahaha!

  Nick Harper : Did you guys do socks?

  Ben Harper : Yeah, yeah, yeah! Yeah, yeah! We did Ascots and Burlingtons... Wait, you're taking the piss, aren't you?

• Susan Harper : [about her mother]  She's trying to trick me into visiting her, the manipulative cow. Can't believe I grew up with somebody like that. Can you imagine living with somebody like that?

  Susan Harper : Take that back!

  Ben Harper : I didn't say anything.

  Susan Harper : You were thinking it.

  Ben Harper : Oh.

  Susan Harper : Honestly, Ben, I don't control. I suggest; I guide; I coax. Ben, wake up!

• Ben Harper : [about Susan's mother]  What would I want to talk to her for?

  Susan Harper : I just tell mum that. It's the only way to get her off the phone.

• Ben Harper : What did she phone for this time, other than to wake me?

  Susan Harper : She wants to invite us to a little get-together.

  Ben Harper : Oh, good. A party.

  Susan Harper : No, her funeral. She's dying - again.

  Ben Harper : She's been dying for the last 20 years. She still hasn't delivered the goods.

• Susan Harper : Ben, stop being so melodramatic.

  Ben Harper : I'm not being melodramatic. I'm starving.

  Janey Harper : [Storms into the kitchen]  I hate this family!

  Ben Harper : *That's* being melodramatic!

• Janey Harper : You stink!

  Nick Harper : I'll have you know I'm sporting a carefully cultivated scent of beer, smoke and Twiglets!

  Ben Harper : What's it called? Eau de colon?

• Ben Harper : So, Michael. You ready for school? Why don't I drop you off?

  Michael Harper : Not if you're dressed like that.

  Ben Harper : What do you mean, dressed like that?

  Michael Harper : Well, no offence, dad, but I'm standing in my school elections and I can't afford any embarrassments. How about you put on a tie?

  Ben Harper : How about I just drive past the school and throw you out?

• Ben Harper : Mmm! Something smells good! Am I in the right house?

  Susan Harper : Careful! I'm armed with a whisk and I'm not afraid to use it!

• Susan Harper : How did your speech go today?

  Michael Harper : It's only a matter of time before I claim victory. The first step to reclaiming the future of Britain from an incompetent Labour government.

  Ben Harper : Hah!

  Susan Harper : Ben!

  Ben Harper : I'm sorry, Susan, but everyone knows the future of Britain depends on the working man which, as the name implies, means 'Labour'.

  Michael Harper : Hah!

  Susan Harper : Michael!

  Michael Harper : I'm sorry, mum. Dad seems to be living in some fantasy land built on a foundation of propaganda.

  Nick Harper : Hah!

  Susan Harper : Nick!

  Nick Harper : Nothing! Just felt like saying 'Hah!'

• Janey Harper : [about her grandmother]  You know, we talked about loads of things! We talked about school; the weather; great-grandma.

  Susan Harper : Oh, yes, well, your great-grandmother was quite a socialite!

  Janey Harper : No, she wasn't. She was a hooker.

  Ben Harper : [Looking shocked] 

  Nick Harper : Pass the ketchup.

  Ben Harper : She... she... she... she was... what, what? Wha... Sorry, who told you this?

  Janey Harper : Grandma.

  Susan Harper : You know, Janey, mother probably meant 'cooker'. Your great-grandmother was a superb chef - like me.

  Michael Harper : It's not true, is it?

  Susan Harper : Your great-grandmother happened to be a social hostess.

  Ben Harper : [Looking flustered] 

  Susan Harper : Something wrong with your food?

  Ben Harper : Yes, but that's beside the point. When you say 'social hostess', what you really need to say is...

  Susan Harper : I believe you understand me correctly.

• Susan Harper : What's wrong?

  Ben Harper : No. No, it's fine. What could possibly be wrong? Oh, yeah. Let me think - yes, yes, I have recently discovered that I've got a Tory and a prostitute in the same family! Why didn't you tell me about your grandmother?

  Susan Harper : I did! I said she ran a bed and breakfast.

  Ben Harper : Yes! You forgot to mention every room came with a complimentary shower cap and a riding crop!

• Ben Harper : Mmm! Something smells good! Am I in the right house?

  Susan Harper : Careful. I'm armed with a whisk and I'm not afraid to use it!

  [Ben and Susan make out by the fridge] 

  Susan Harper : You're home early.

  Ben Harper : Yeah. I had a few cancellations, so I thought I could, er... possibly fit you in, Mrs Harper.

  Susan Harper : [Ben still kissing her]  Ben, I'm preparing dinner.

  Ben Harper : Alright. We'll order takeaway.

  Susan Harper : [Ben still kissing her]  The kids will be home soon.

  Ben Harper : We'll change the locks.

  Susan Harper : In that case, I've run out of reasons. Take me!

  [They try to have sex on the kitchen counter, but stop when they are caught by Nick and Michael] 

  Nick Harper : I'm afraid to ask what's for dinner!

• Ben Harper : Still a Tory then, are you?

  Michael Harper : Yes.

  Ben Harper : Well, I'm sorry, Michael. You can no longer be my favourite son. You...

  [Nick smiles at Ben] 

  Ben Harper : Oh, God! It's come to this, has it?

• Janey Harper : I just had the most fascinating time!

  Susan Harper : I thought you went to see my mother.

  Janey Harper : I did! She's not half as boring as you'd think!

  Ben Harper : You and your grandmother been drinking?

  Janey Harper : Just enough to take the edge off!

• Janey Harper : [after discovering her great-grandma was a prostitute]  I can't wait to tell Maxine!

  Michael Harper : You can't! If this gets out, it could ruin my political career!

  Susan Harper : Oh, don't be ridiculous! It was 80 years ago!

  Michael Harper : Still not something we want spread around!

  Janey Harper : Oh, please, Michael! It was the only cool thing about this entire family!

  Ben Harper : Sorry, are you forgetting the Harper side of the family?

  Janey Harper : Oh, right, yeah - the dull side.

  Ben Harper : No, don't... don't confuse 'dull' with 'average'.

  Janey Harper : Average, boring, whatever.

  Ben Harper : Look, if being average is the worst thing people can say about you, you're doing OK.

  Susan Harper : Spoken like a true Harper!

  Ben Harper : Well, at least with the Harpers, what you see is what you get!

  Nick Harper : Ooh! Tough luck, mum!

• Ben Harper : Susan, on our wedding day, we took vows to love, cherish and not to keep secrets.

  Susan Harper : I don't have any other secrets.

  Ben Harper : How do I know that? Huh? Next, you'll be telling me your mother's a vampire - which would explain a lot of things...

  Susan Harper : OK! Alright! Alright! I do have another secret - sometimes I fake it!

  Ben Harper : [pause]  That's not funny!

• Susan Harper : [after Ben discovered her grandma was a prostitute]  Honestly, Ben. I don't know why you're getting so worked up about this. After all, you're always the one who's going on about the dignity of the working people. I'm proud of my grandmother. She was a successful businesswoman who stood up for what she believed in.

  Ben Harper : Yep, yep! She stood up, she lay down, she knelt...

• Susan Harper : The motto on your family crest should read 'Mediocrity or death'.

  Ben Harper : Well, it's better than 'For a good time, call'!

• Nick Harper : Alright, dad? Want a beer?

  Ben Harper : Yeah. Thanks.

  Nick Harper : Well, we've run out. You better get some more!

• Nick Harper : What are you doing?

  Ben Harper : Photos of the Harper side of the family.

  Nick Harper : [Looks at one photo]  Who's the cute little girl in the sailor suit?

  Ben Harper : That's me!

  Nick Harper : You were hot!

• Ben Harper : Did you know that your great-grandfather almost had a knot named after him? Oh! The Harper knot? Where normally, the rabbit goes through the tree, through the hole and round the tree again, the Harper knot - the rabbit goes round the tree, through the hole, up the tree again, meets another rabbit coming the other way! Oh, it was all the rage! Until Alderman Jenkins choked to death on his wedding day and erm... Yep, everyone knew it was the devilled eggs. But, oh no, no, the local wags blamed it on the knot! Unforgiving business, haberdashery.

  Nick Harper : [Comes out of a bored-like trance]  Sorry, dad! Did you say something after the Harpers knocked up?

• Ben Harper : And then my grandfather decided to expand the family business and move on from ties and handkerchiefs into gentleman's knick-knacks. Oh, yeah, yeah! Hairbrushes were a very big item at the time! Mr Winslow?

  [Mr Winslow snores] 

  Mr. Winslow : Mr Winslow?

  Dental Assistant : Wow! That gas works really fast!

  Ben Harper : I haven't given him any yet! Evidently, I've bored him to death!

• Dental Assistant : Are you a religious man, Mr Harper?

  Ben Harper : In what sense?

  Dental Assistant : Well, do you believe in God? A higher power?

  Ben Harper : I have faith... that someone, somewhere is... is punishing me and it may as well be God.

  Dental Assistant : And I believe we're all special in God's eyes. He smiles down upon us all.

  Ben Harper : In my case, he seems to be laughing, doesn't he?

• Michael Harper : So, dad, how was your day?

  Ben Harper : Dull. Forgettable. Like the rest of the Harper family.

  Michael Harper : Don't sell the Harpers short, dad! This country needs solid, decent, hard-working citizens such as yourself!

  Ben Harper : Yeeeeeah...

  Michael Harper : From one of my debate note cards regarding 'the little man'.

  Ben Harper : Well, on behalf of all the 'little men' everywhere, thank you.

  Michael Harper : You're a significant cog in the well-oiled machine I call England!

  Ben Harper : Shut up!

• Ben Harper : No, I've got to do something! Say something! Make a statement! Something that says the Harpers were here! Something my grandchildren's grandchildren will talk about!

  Nick Harper : Like the time you got that hazelnut stuck up your nose!

  Ben Harper : No, something else.

  Michael Harper : Maybe I can pull a few strings and get you a bench in the park.

  Janey Harper : Why would dad want a bench for?

  Nick Harper : It was a very big hazelnut!

  Michael Harper : Because people who get a bench get a plaque with their name on it - and a small slice of immortality.

  Ben Harper : Yeah! That's not bad! Hey, how come all of a sudden you're so connected?

  Michael Harper : Please, I'm in politics! One well-placed phone call and I could have you killed!

• Ben Harper : Susan, do you mind, please? I'm trying to find a park for the Harper family bench.

  Susan Harper : Ben, you don't need a bench.

  Ben Harper : Why not? You have your prostitute, I'll have my bench!

  Susan Harper : Oh, for goodness sake! Why don't you just build a monument to yourself?

  Ben Harper : Hmm. No, it's... too expensive. What do you think I should put on the plaque?

  Susan Harper : How about 'Me, me, me'?

  Ben Harper : No, it's about me. It's about the family. It says 'We were here and we refuse to be walked over'.

  Susan Harper : Yes, and now you'll be crapped on by pigeons!

• [Ben tries to take a photo of himself and his bench when a hobo sits on it] 

  Ben Harper : Sorry! Hello? Hello? Sorry! Haha! Very good! Yes, I am glad you're enjoying *my* bench!

  Derelict : It's my bench! Sod off!

  Ben Harper : No! Despite your eloquence, sir, it's *my* bench! My bench! Ben Harper - see? That's me! Yes, donated by me to the good, hard-working people of London in recognition of four generations of diligent haberdashers who would have otherwise been forgotten!

  Derelict : God! Not another loony!

• [Ben tries to take another photo of his bench, but two hookers sit on it] 

  Hooker : Take us next!

  Hooker : Cheese!

  Hooker : Let's have a nice big flash!

  Ben Harper : What the hell? Sorry, sorry, sorry... What are you doing here?

  Hooker : Depends on how much money you've got!

  Ben Harper : What? Oh, no, no! I'm taking a picture of my bench! See - my bench? Er... Ben Harper? That's me!

  Hooker : Oh, you're the bloke who put the bench here! Sally, it's our mystery benefactor!

  Hooker : We don't get much of a chance to sit in our line of work!

  Ben Harper : Look, come on. Come on. Move out. There's going to be trouble.

  Hooker : This is our spot! We like it here! It's a good location right near the ice cream stand! Chubby men tip better!

  Ben Harper : Look, erm... How much is it going to cost me just to get you to move on for a while?

  Hooker : For an hour or for the whole night?

  Hooker : Are you just paying for her or the two of us?

  Ben Harper : Oh, fine!

  Hooker : [Spots a policeman coming up behind Ben]  Forget it!

  Ben Harper : Let's not haggle! Come on! Here's £50 for both of you for as long as it takes!

  Policeman : Aren't we the frisky one... grandad?

• [Last lines - Ben is in shock after seeing a photo of him in the newspaper with two prostitutes] 

  Susan Harper : Oh, Ben, it's not that bad!

  Ben Harper : Really? I'm being carted off by a baby policeman, surrounded by a bunch of strumpets. Hah! What could be worse?

  Susan Harper : Oh, please! It's grainy and it's not a good likeness at all. No one can tell it's you.

  [Answers phone] 

  Susan Harper : Oh, hi mum.

  [pause] 

  Susan Harper : Yes, it's him.