My Family (TV Series)

'Tis Pity She's a Whore (2001)

Kris Marshall: Nick Harper

Quotes 

• Michael Harper : Nick, the whole point of debating is to answer questions directly and honestly, not to tarnish your opponent's reputation.

  Nick Harper : I thought you wanted to win.

  Michael Harper : I want to win fair and square.

  Janey Harper : I thought you were a Tory.

• Ben Harper : I mean, if a bus hits me today, what's my obituary going to say?

  Nick Harper : 'Ben Harper - didn't look both ways'.

• Ben Harper : For four generations, we had the fifth-biggest haberdasher in Derby.

  Nick Harper : [Indifferently]  Wow. Why are these photos all the same?

  Ben Harper : They're not the same! Look... look at this. In this one, your uncle Harold is wearing a tie in a traditional Windsor knot. And in this one, look, he's wearing the Cavendish. Heh! And in - oh, look at this! This is the joker of the family, uncle Charlie!

  Nick Harper : He looks just like uncle Harold.

  Ben Harper : No, no, no, no! He's not! He's wearing the Reverse Plattsbrugh, yeah? Can't you see? Hahahaha!

  Nick Harper : Did you guys do socks?

  Ben Harper : Yeah, yeah, yeah! Yeah, yeah! We did Ascots and Burlingtons... Wait, you're taking the piss, aren't you?

• Janey Harper : You stink!

  Nick Harper : I'll have you know I'm sporting a carefully cultivated scent of beer, smoke and Twiglets!

  Ben Harper : What's it called? Eau de colon?

• Janey Harper : [about Susan's mother]  Er, and what about you? You hardly ever see her!

  Susan Harper : I don't need to. Her image is embossed on my brain.

  Janey Harper : Well, why does it have to be me? Hmm?

  Michael Harper : Don't look at me! I went to see her last time she was dying!

  Nick Harper : I'll go next time.

  Janey Harper : And what happens if she already is dying?

  Nick Harper : Then I win!

• Susan Harper : How did your speech go today?

  Michael Harper : It's only a matter of time before I claim victory. The first step to reclaiming the future of Britain from an incompetent Labour government.

  Ben Harper : Hah!

  Susan Harper : Ben!

  Ben Harper : I'm sorry, Susan, but everyone knows the future of Britain depends on the working man which, as the name implies, means 'Labour'.

  Michael Harper : Hah!

  Susan Harper : Michael!

  Michael Harper : I'm sorry, mum. Dad seems to be living in some fantasy land built on a foundation of propaganda.

  Nick Harper : Hah!

  Susan Harper : Nick!

  Nick Harper : Nothing! Just felt like saying 'Hah!'

• Janey Harper : Oh, I forgot to tell you something. What was it? Er... oh, yeah. Grandma's got the plague and lost her arms.

  Susan Harper : It's ridiculous! She thinks I'll come running now, just because suddenly this week she's feeling old and alone. All she needs is a violin.

  Nick Harper : How will she play it with no arms?

• Janey Harper : [about her grandmother]  You know, we talked about loads of things! We talked about school; the weather; great-grandma.

  Susan Harper : Oh, yes, well, your great-grandmother was quite a socialite!

  Janey Harper : No, she wasn't. She was a hooker.

  Ben Harper : [Looking shocked] 

  Nick Harper : Pass the ketchup.

  Ben Harper : She... she... she... she was... what, what? Wha... Sorry, who told you this?

  Janey Harper : Grandma.

  Susan Harper : You know, Janey, mother probably meant 'cooker'. Your great-grandmother was a superb chef - like me.

  Michael Harper : It's not true, is it?

  Susan Harper : Your great-grandmother happened to be a social hostess.

  Ben Harper : [Looking flustered] 

  Susan Harper : Something wrong with your food?

  Ben Harper : Yes, but that's beside the point. When you say 'social hostess', what you really need to say is...

  Susan Harper : I believe you understand me correctly.

• Michael Harper : Hey.

  Susan Harper : How was your debate?

  Michael Harper : Miserable. The first question they asked me was 'Is it true you have a prostitute in the family?'

  Susan Harper : It's such a shame that politics has degenerated into a contest of personal attacks.

  Nick Harper : Isn't it just? I hope you did the right thing and questioned your opponent's sexuality.

  Michael Harper : Well, I took the moral high ground and said this prostitute rumour was promulgated by communist lefties out to torpedo my campaign. Then I challenged the person who started it to stand up and show themselves.

  Susan Harper : Well done!

  Michael Harper : And then Janey stood up.

  Susan Harper : What did you say?

  Michael Harper : Well, what could I say? I gave an honest, heartfelt answer.

  Susan Harper : Oh, Michael. I'm very proud of you.

  Michael Harper : I said I was adopted.

• Ben Harper : Mmm! Something smells good! Am I in the right house?

  Susan Harper : Careful. I'm armed with a whisk and I'm not afraid to use it!

  [Ben and Susan make out by the fridge] 

  Susan Harper : You're home early.

  Ben Harper : Yeah. I had a few cancellations, so I thought I could, er... possibly fit you in, Mrs Harper.

  Susan Harper : [Ben still kissing her]  Ben, I'm preparing dinner.

  Ben Harper : Alright. We'll order takeaway.

  Susan Harper : [Ben still kissing her]  The kids will be home soon.

  Ben Harper : We'll change the locks.

  Susan Harper : In that case, I've run out of reasons. Take me!

  [They try to have sex on the kitchen counter, but stop when they are caught by Nick and Michael] 

  Nick Harper : I'm afraid to ask what's for dinner!

• Janey Harper : [after discovering her great-grandma was a prostitute]  I can't wait to tell Maxine!

  Michael Harper : You can't! If this gets out, it could ruin my political career!

  Susan Harper : Oh, don't be ridiculous! It was 80 years ago!

  Michael Harper : Still not something we want spread around!

  Janey Harper : Oh, please, Michael! It was the only cool thing about this entire family!

  Ben Harper : Sorry, are you forgetting the Harper side of the family?

  Janey Harper : Oh, right, yeah - the dull side.

  Ben Harper : No, don't... don't confuse 'dull' with 'average'.

  Janey Harper : Average, boring, whatever.

  Ben Harper : Look, if being average is the worst thing people can say about you, you're doing OK.

  Susan Harper : Spoken like a true Harper!

  Ben Harper : Well, at least with the Harpers, what you see is what you get!

  Nick Harper : Ooh! Tough luck, mum!

• Nick Harper : Alright, dad? Want a beer?

  Ben Harper : Yeah. Thanks.

  Nick Harper : Well, we've run out. You better get some more!

• Nick Harper : What are you doing?

  Ben Harper : Photos of the Harper side of the family.

  Nick Harper : [Looks at one photo]  Who's the cute little girl in the sailor suit?

  Ben Harper : That's me!

  Nick Harper : You were hot!

• Ben Harper : Did you know that your great-grandfather almost had a knot named after him? Oh! The Harper knot? Where normally, the rabbit goes through the tree, through the hole and round the tree again, the Harper knot - the rabbit goes round the tree, through the hole, up the tree again, meets another rabbit coming the other way! Oh, it was all the rage! Until Alderman Jenkins choked to death on his wedding day and erm... Yep, everyone knew it was the devilled eggs. But, oh no, no, the local wags blamed it on the knot! Unforgiving business, haberdashery.

  Nick Harper : [Comes out of a bored-like trance]  Sorry, dad! Did you say something after the Harpers knocked up?

• Nick Harper : How long's this jelly been in the fridge?

  Janey Harper : I think it's soup, Nick!

• Nick Harper : Oh, don't you look precious!

  Michael Harper : Get off! I'm practising for my debate!

  Janey Harper : Right! So, Mr Harper, what's your position on drugs?

  Michael Harper : [Clears throat]  If elected, I'll devote every resource possible to help educate our students of the dangers of drug use.

  Janey Harper : Very good answer, Michael!

  Nick Harper : Yes - if you want to get slaughtered! Remember, dude, it's all about spin!

  Janey Harper : Er, I think we all know your position on drugs!

  Nick Harper : No, come on! Come on! Go with me on this!

  Janey Harper : OK. So, Mr Harper, what's your position on drugs?

  Nick Harper : Let me just say that I will not comment on the vicious rumours about my opponent's frequent use of recreational drugs!

  Michael Harper : But there are no vicious rumours.

  Nick Harper : There are now!

• Ben Harper : No, I've got to do something! Say something! Make a statement! Something that says the Harpers were here! Something my grandchildren's grandchildren will talk about!

  Nick Harper : Like the time you got that hazelnut stuck up your nose!

  Ben Harper : No, something else.

  Michael Harper : Maybe I can pull a few strings and get you a bench in the park.

  Janey Harper : Why would dad want a bench for?

  Nick Harper : It was a very big hazelnut!

  Michael Harper : Because people who get a bench get a plaque with their name on it - and a small slice of immortality.

  Ben Harper : Yeah! That's not bad! Hey, how come all of a sudden you're so connected?

  Michael Harper : Please, I'm in politics! One well-placed phone call and I could have you killed!

• Nick Harper : [Finishing some cereal]  We're almost out of cereal.

  Susan Harper : But I bought that box today.

  Nick Harper : What can I say? People in this house are pigs!

• Nick Harper : Alright, gran?

  Rebecca : Oh, God!

  Nick Harper : Mum said you're lonely, so I'm all yours for the evening!

  Rebecca : Please, no!

  Nick Harper : [Juggles a porcelain urn]  Wow! Oh, yeah, and she had a message for you! What was it? Erm... Can't remember... Erm... Oh, yeah! That was it: 'She wins!'